Royal Blood | JJK ✓

36: Just a burden

"I can't do this. No matter what you guys tell me, I can't do this."

"Sure you can—"

"Jungkook, this isn't even a matter of fighting Zero," you argued, voice raising for the first time as you walked into your room feeling so aggravated with yourself. "I want to kill him so badly and wipe that stupid smirk on his face, have him beg for mercy but I can't do that without the seraph blade but I can't get it because it won't let me if I don't have a clear conscious and give it a reason without my feelings getting in the freaking way."

You wanted to scream, to curse, to just do anything with how disappointed you were at yourself. You had been so close to receiving the seraph blade and if it wasn't for losing control of your own self, you could had gotten it.

But now you've failed not only the guys but yourself as well.

"This isn't your fault," Jungkook told you, voice cautious as he watched you closely to see if you'd do anything rash.

"Of course it's my fault," you said otherwise, shaking your head in denial. "Everything is my fault. I shouldn't had asked Jin to walk with me that night, I should had just stayed in and dealt with my own thoughts."

Your memories traced back to that specific night, when Jin had gotten hurt protecting you, when Zero had found you. Everything was going well—more or less—and if you had just dealt with your own problems or at least spoken to him inside the mansion, Zero wouldn't had found you at all and...did all that stuff.

Tears welled at your waterline, voice going shaky as your throat began to clog up. But you didn't wanted to feel weak so you blinked the tears away and shook your head vehemently to try and wash away the sadness.

There was no point in hiding when Jungkook knew everything you were feeling.

Yet that was the problem because you were mad at that too, because it had revealed a vulnerable side to you. He could feel every emotion you were feeling no matter how much you wanted him to not.

Why did it had to go that way? Why couldn't you had just listened to Yoongi the night at the party and took his advice on taking a cab?

"I brought it upon myself when I died and became a vampire. You can't say that it's not my fault when I've ruined your life along the way too."

When you shot your eyes his way just as you had said your last sentence, you could see the way Jungkook's eyes faltered.

You ignored the way your dead heart pained a little at those sad eyes because this wasn't about you. You couldn't blame him for not knowing what to say at that or just not knowing how to comfort you.

So you just turned around to ignore it all. though it wasn't easy.

"If I had stayed human, none of us would had been in this position. Jin wouldn't had gotten hurt. Yoongi wouldn't had had to turn me. Jimin and I would had been just content with our daily lives even though I'd still be in oblivion. I wouldn't had even known Hani's true identity. And you wouldn't had gotten a stupid soulmate like me who only became a burden to you."

"Y/N..."

"No—"

"You're wrong."

Jaws clenched, you looked at Jungkook with a disbelief look. "How can I not be wrong? I'm a burden to everyone. Just because I was given the royal blood doesn't make me strong. I'm weak, both physically and mentally."

Yet still, Jungkook wasn't going to let you be right. "You're not weak," he argued. "Everything that had been happening had been inevitable. Your fate was meant to align with mine, meet me and the others, even meet Zero. Even if you had taken Yoongi hyung's advice that night, Zero would had still found you eventually."

"Even so," you continued, refusing to back down, "I shouldn't had been given the royal blood. It was a mistake, just like me being your second soulmate because you aren't supposed to have a second soulmate."

"Even if the universe had given me someone else out of pity, even if you think you're only a burden, you are not," he told you, seriously and firmly. The look in his eyes had a sense of protection, like his conscious was to defend and protect you, even from your own self. "You're not some object that was thrown into the mix just because Yuri left. You matter too, just like the rest of us. No matter what you think of yourself, you're not a burden, how can you ever be a burden?

"Sure, Yuri was my first soulmate, but that doesn't make you any less important. I know you're hurting and I know you're afraid to reveal these feelings to me, but I know, I know everything. I have to know everything. It's a scary world, I never thought I'd ever lose my soulmate, nor given another one. And I blamed myself everyday for her loss because I should had done something to save her. It's too late now, I can't return to the past.

"But you, Y/N...I can't lose you."

You would had stopped breathing if you could had breathed. Your heart would had start beating faster if it could had beat. And you could feel the vulnerability within Jungkook as he spoke, revealing a side to him you never knew he'd ever show you.

"Do you know how afraid I was? The second Yuri's great grandmother suggested trying to look for the seraph blade from within, I was afraid for your life because I knew you'd get hurt during the process. And when I had to leave you alone during that moment in the Galaxy, I wanted to just pull you back out even if it meant not getting the seraph blade. When you admitted that you were scared, I just wanted to go there and comfort you, give you some sort of warmth, make you smile.

"When you're hurt, Y/N, I'm hurting too. Literally. But it also hurts emotionally because it makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. And I know you're afraid because you think I'll never be able to love you while it will be inevitable for you to fall in love. But truth is, I know I'll fall in love as well. You're likable, sweet, kind, and even got Yoongi hyung to show his rare gummy smiles.

"You might not think that you're significant, but you're so much more than just a burden to us. You're not a burden. The days have been so much more lighter with you around and I can see it with the others as well. Just because you think you're annoying and bring weight to us doesn't make it true. You matter, just like the rest of us."

By the time he had finished, you found yourself with tears already raining down from your eyes. Those words were the exact things that you never knew you needed to hear.

After all those times of feeling like you were some heavy weight to the people around you, after all those insecurities building up from within, those words made you feel like the world was finally on your side. And being it from Jungkook himself made it even more valuable.

He had hated you from the start and now, now things were looking so much brighter.

You needed those words to be said to you otherwise you knew you would had broke. It had always been hard to look at yourself in a bright light, and to hear someone else declaring how meaningful you were made you finally feel loved.

"Do you mean it?" You asked as another tear slipped. "Can you really fall in love with me? Because when the time comes, I don't want to be the only one falling."

Just saying it alone was hard enough for you because it was scary. To show a vulnerable part of you, to give him your whole when he couldn't return the feelings was something you were always afraid of. To be compared to Yuri had hurt a lot both physically and mentally. You hated knowing that you weren't a first choice but if you could just hear those assuring words that it could eventually happen, it'd at least show progress. Progress that you did mattered in someone's life.

Maybe then it'd make you believe that you really were someone of worth. Someone that was worth falling in love with.

"I mean it, Y/N." He told you, sincerely. You could feel it, he knew that, but he still went on to show it to you by wrapping comforting arms around your smaller frame, igniting that same burst of feelings that always brought you euphoria when he touched you.

"I mean it," he repeated, over and over to make you believe him.