Broken Child

birthday

'When you hear the word 'dreaming'
You only think of good and happy things . some dream of forests
Others dream of butterflies and flowers some dream of money and others of fame ... Some dream of peace and dream of the sea ... But..
When I close my eyes I see pain .. I see darkness and dirty walls ... I smell blood on a dirty bed .. I hear people laughing pointing at someone .and when I look at where they are pointing.. I see myself naked curled in a corner ...
Small ...bruised.. And dirty ... These are my dreams ... No peace .. No flowers or butterflies ...just terror....'

Alex read one more time what he wrote then closed his computer sighing.....

...

Andy's sixteen s birthday is coming soon and Alex been thinking of ways to surprise him ... He wants to bring him alot of gifts and he wants to buy the best cake.
He knows that it will be Andy's first birthday ever .. He didn't even know what a 'birthday' is so Alex wants it to be the most special first birthday ever...

"Choclate or strawberries Alex ?"

"I don't know dad ..."

"He likes chocolate more I guess .."

"Choclate it is then "

"Okay so .. You will take him out and I'll prepare everything here with Tony and Millie ?"

"Yeah .. Just make sure everything is ready okay. "

...

"Do you like your ice cream Andy?"

Andy licked his lips and nod

"Yes I like it . thank you Alex "

Alex looked at Andy admiring the boy oh how a year had passed quickly

"You know .. Today is very special"
Andy looked up at Alex with a questioning look on his face
"Is it another ..Holliday that I don't know about ?"
Alex chuckled at Andy's comment
"What are the hollidays that you know "

"Okay um ... There is Christmas... It's my favorite and umm thanksgiving... And uuuumm H-halloween?"

"Well it's not a Holliday but it's special.. It's your birthday Andy "

Birthday

It's the day a mistake was born . the day Andy was born to be hated from the first ever breath. Born to be tossed around because nobody wants a mistake .. The day he was taken by a man that will his worst nightmares

Why would it be a special day .. He hated it .. He hated it so much

"Andy .. Andy you are spacing out again .. Com on " Alex noticed how Andy's smile fell and how his hands began to shake

"W-why would it be a - a special day ?"

"Well - because it's your birthday .. Andy you were born today.  "

Andy smiled and looked down at his hands and whispered to himself
"I wish I wasn't"
"Andy speak up so I can hear you "

"So I'm sixteen now ?"

Sixteen ... A sixteen year old boy would be out now with is friends at school .. And not home schooled because of his ptsd and mental disorders.
A sixteen boy would be an outgoing teenager .. Happy and open and not locking himself in a room scared of people...

"Hello earth to Andy ... What is wrong with you ?"

"I'm sorry .. I am .. I'm sorry I am like this "

"What do you mean 'like this ' ?"
" i mean is that ... I dont know that .. That i am a waste and that i ... I am Not good enough and .. I'm not normal ..."
He explained to the older while avoiding eye contact he doesnt want to see him disappointed or angry or sad " I'm not normal Alex.... I'm sick ... My head is sick I keep you up all night with my .... Stupid night terrors.. I know ..I know that its been a year ... And it did not get b-better...and .."
Alex cut him off ..stood up and went To sit next him
"Hey .. Hey what are you talking about Andy ... This is bullshit .. You are not a Fucking waste alright .and night terrors are not stupid okay and you are fucking normal Andy why.... just .... Just god just stop looking down at yourself
You need to love yourself Andy ... "

Love yourself

He was never thought to love let alone love himself
He was always down at people's feet
He was men's toy .. He never had the right to say anything ... He remember very well how that 'man' used to tell him that no one will love him ... That no one would love a waste like him ...
God he remembers it like it was yesterday ...
Andy was never loved .. He doesnt even know what love is ... He read books that showed him what love is ... Just like that first book he read about the mother sheep and her babies ... He read how much the mother loved her babies ... But he never recieved any from his mother
It's like he doesn't believe in it and this worries Alex alot
Alex doesn't know most of the terrible things that happened to Andy in that basement
He doesn't know exactly what happens in Andy's night terrors because Andy rarely talks about it ..
Its true ... He talks more now ... He smiles and understand things now ... But it seems like the more he knows things the more his depression is growing ... Its like he had been asleep for a very very long time and now he is waking up remembering and knowing everything happened
Andy is awake now.... He knows that all the things that happened to him were terrible and no one should go through that ... He knows that his mother never wanted him ... He knows that he was a plaything ...he knows he was a sex slave .... He knows he was a sex slave to his own father...

Thats true ... He knows everything because he always happen to accedently listen to Alex and his father talking ...
But he never showed anything
He always tried to be okay and fine and show Alex that he is getting better because he never want to see Alex tired and sad or angry ... Yes he heard that fight between alex and his friend ... He promissed himself since that day to never bother Alex with his problems ... He had his anxiety sometimes and managed to control it without Alex knowing .. He had some night terrors and didnt wake him up .... And he is having his depression now and trying to hide it ... He even started punishing himself with cuting and burning his skin and of course not showing any signs of discomfort..

He is just trying to look better for Alex
But inside he is crushed and shattered

" its like I'm talking to myself " sigh Alex tiredly
" I'm sorry . ... I really am sorry Alex I never mean to make you angry "

" I m not angry .. I'm just ... Never mind let's go home yeah ?"
Andy nod and followed Alex to the car

..

"SURPRISE ANDY"

...

Now why dont we say now
Humm

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