Break The Best Friends

Chapter 23

Sometimes, breaking up with your boyfriend is not a very difficult thing to do. Sometimes... You know that the person is entirely wrong for you. You know that it would never work between you both because you never achieved that couple status without forcing yourself to acknowledge that person as your partner which is a negative point for any relationship if it has to last. You never become friends that way. You never feel free to share your feelings if you don't treat the other as a friend and that may just have a negative toll on your relationship.

Then there are times when breaking up with your boyfriend is the most difficult thing to do in this world, not just because you know that you are breaking your lover's heart – and your own while you are at it – but because you are willingly choosing to lose the one person that you had cared about so long.

There is nothing worse than choosing to let go and move on when you know that both you and your boyfriend love each other so much, but there is an ugly truth that you both are better off without each other. It is a very difficult phenomenon to describe, which is why most go with the all-time favorite cliché: 'I love you, but I am not in love with you.'

The truth is... that is the best way to describe this: You love someone deeply and feel that you ought to be part of each other's lives, but not in the capacity that you have been thus far.

I had initially thought that.

Axel was – still is – someone very important to me. He was always going to be my first crush, first kiss, and first boyfriend. All through my life, I was going to carry a part of my heart that is always going to love him for who he was to me.

When I decided to break things off with Axel, there was only one thing that was haunting me. What if he decided to stay out of my life completely? For good?

I was scared shitless about having a life without Axel in it – even as a friend. That was the moment, I wanted to act selfishly. I wanted to stay as his friend, if not his girlfriend. That was a purely selfish thing to do, I accept. But I wasn't ready to lose one more person in my life when I felt like I practically had no one.

Unfortunately, not everyone can break up and stay friends. In fact, I would say most could not. That is why we lose people out of our life. We lose the people who are important to us and honestly after that, we end up lost for a good amount of time within ourselves.

That was what happened to me and Axel. We got distanced and never spoke to each other for about six months after our bad breakup. He didn't even converse with me to ask my reasons for the breakup. It took Axel six and a half months to actually ask me about my reason, granted he did know them already, I don't know why he even bothered to talk to me again to know about my reasons.

He had ample time to actually come back to me and talk to me, to win me over again, but he never did that when I wanted him to do it. I wanted him to fight for what we had, but he never did that. He became this person that I started to hate and my love for him slowly faded away. Just when I started to get over him and plan on moving on, he comes to me with the sole purpose of making me take him back.

I could have easily done that. Take him back, that is. But that would not be fair for both of us. I don't think I deserve to be treated this way. I don't think he deserves to get locked up with me in a relationship again. I don't think our already broken relationship deserves to be trashed around again.

Today has been a very exhausting day. First I had to deal with Axel, then I had to hear Ryder spit harsh words at me, and then Luke... I don't even want to talk about that. I can't even describe the amount of exhaustion that is racking my body now. All I want to do is get under my cover, close my eyes, and will myself to sleep for a really, really long time. Probably a thousand years?