My Downfall | Killers List #3

Jacket

It was late and everyone was sleeping except for Umji. She was downstairs in the kitchen sitting down at the table. She had a cold bottle of beer in her trembling hands. She kept her sobs quiet, careful to not wake anyone up. She also didn't want them knowing that she felt like she was dying inside. She was emotionally exhausted and felt broken down.

She should be in bed sleeping right now, and Yuju would be eating dinner around this time back in France, but none of them knew she was actually alive still. They were all convinced she was dead, and Umji was convinced she was now dying too.

Umji tightly squeezed the bottle in her hands before she went to the sink and dumped most of the alcohol in the sink. She refused to do what she did last time when Yuju left. She didn't want to be in that situation again, but she didn't want to be hurting anymore. She wanted to forget everything—everyone.

"Umji?" Eunbi called out from the bottom of the stairs. Umji turned around and saw Eunbi walking to the kitchen.

"Why are you still awake?" Umji asked as she wiped her tears.

"I could ask you the same question. Well I just woke up and wanted some water" Eunbi sat down at the table.

"I can't sleep. I'm thinking about stuff too much. I have so many things racing through my mind" Umji sighed as she sat back down next to Eunbi.

"Well tell me what you're thinking about. I hear it helps to talk about it" Eunbi weakly smiled. She wasn't good at giving advice or any sort of support in these kinds of situations, all she could do was listen.

"I'm not Eunha. I don't just tell people how I'm feeling. I hide it" Umji knew they all knew this.

"I know but just try. I think it'll help you feel better" Eunbi grabbed her hand and gave her a reassuring smile.

"I'm not sure how to say it. There is no way to explain this. Love is so indescribable" Umji frowned. "I hate it. Why does it have to be this way? Why do we have to have emotions we cannot explain? It's so frustrating" Umji unintentionally squeezed Eunbi's hand to the point where Eunbi actually tried to pull her arm away because it was hurting her.

"I understand"

"Do you really, Eunbi? Have you ever even loved someone like this? I loved Yuju, more than anything. You've never experienced that. You've never felt so much love and compassion for one person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You've only seen it, but you've never experienced it. How can I speak to you about such a topic when you have never been through it? Only Sowon and Eunha could understand" Umji set her hands on her lap and stared down at the table. She felt bad for saying it so bluntly to Eunbi but she knew that Eunbi understood that it was the truth.

"I can still listen" Eunbi remarked. Listening was one thing Eunbi knew how to do, and of course she has experienced it. There were many nights when she just sat there listening to Yerin complain, cry, laugh, or just talk.

"I don't want to admit that I miss her. I don't want to seem weak. I don't want people to believe I can't live without her, I can, I'm just not willing to. Anyone can live without somebody they loved, they just choose not to. I'm trying my best to ignore it...feeling this emotional makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I hate that more than anything. Sometimes I just want to scream and let all my anger and sorrow out" Umji tightened her fist. It was so hard to hold back these emotions all the time. She felt trapped and all she wanted to do was escape.

"Umji it's okay to be this way sometimes. You need to let yourself cry. You need to give yourself some time to get over her and realize that you loved her with all your heart and soul yet she is still gone. It wasn't your fault. You always protected her. There is nothing you could do to change what she did and what happened in the end, I promise you that" again, Eunbi wasn't the best with this stuff but Umji still appreciated that she was trying. Umji was fine with it because at least she didn't have to talk to Yerin who would've just shrugged.

"Thanks for trying to help, Eunbi. I really do appreciate it but you just don't know what it's like. You've never experienced love, at least not like this" Umji painfully smiled at her before she walked back towards the stairs.

"I have..." Eunbi mumbled. She watched Umji go up the stairs then went to the kitchen for a glass of water.

Umji crawled onto her bed and engulfed herself in the blankets. She had kept the lamp on next to her the last few nights, she didn't know why though. It wasn't that she was afraid of the dark because she's not, it just made her feel more comfortable and safe now that Yuju wasn't there with her to protect her.

Her head peeked out of the blankets and she stared at the corner of the room where Yuju's jacket was laying on the floor. She got up out of bed and slowly walked over to the black jacket.

Eunbi was passing by and happened to see Umji out of the corner of her eye. She stopped and stared into the room for a moment to see what Umji was doing. She watched Umji pick up the jacket off the floor and make her way back to her bed. She held the jacket close to her and closed her eyes. Eunbi stood there for a few more seconds before smiling at Umji and leaving back to her shared room with Yerin.