My Downfall | Killers List #3

Moments of silent sobs

Yuju hid her whole body under her blankets. Her room was pitch black, almost like how her soul felt. She silently sobbed in the dark and silent room. She didn't want anyone to know she was struggling. Part of her was like Umji, they kept their emotions hidden for the sake of others. But they were all kind of like that.

Yuju was partly like a child too. She sometimes didn't know the difference between wrong and right although it was obvious. She had no filter when it came to speaking with people about difficult matters and that's why she didn't want to talk to Umji.

She knew there was a high chance that she'd say something inappropriate without even realizing it and she did exactly that. All it did was make her feel guilty and make the receiving end angry.

She curled up into a ball and bit onto the blanket to keep her sobs and whimpers silent. Her body trembled as she stared into the dark night through the opened window.

By now everyone would be sleeping, meaning she couldn't go to one of the others for advice or comfort. It's not like she would've anyways, she wouldn't want to be a burden.

"Yuju?..." a small light peeked in to the room through the door that was opened up about two inches.

"Y-Yes?" Yuju wiped away her tears and stopped sniffling.

"May I come in?" The voice asked.

"Yes. Don't turn the light on, my eyes will hurt" Yuju warned as she saw the figure reaching for the light switch. Yuju's eyes weren't sensitive to the lights, she just didn't want the person to see her red face from crying.

"Do you happen to have any menstrual pads maybe?" Eunha nervously asked. She awkwardly sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I have tampons" Yuju said as she reached for her bag underneath her desk.

"I...I can't use tampons"

"What do you mean? Why?" Yuju looked up at Eunha's figure outline.

"I don't know how" Eunha shyly admitted.

"Oh. I think I have some pads left in the bathroom. Hold on" Yuju quickly tip-toed to the bathroom.

She shut the door behind her and turned the light on. She looked in the mirror to see if it looked like she had been crying. Her face was no longer red so she decided to keep the light on and open the door so she could actually see Eunha.

"Here. This is my last one. I'll go to the store early in the morning tomorrow and get you more" Yuju said. She felt bad for some reason.

"Thank you" Eunha grabbed the pad and slightly bowed to show her appreciation.

"May I ask you something before you go?" Yuju looked back at Eunha who was almost out of the room.

"Anything"

"Why did you ask me instead of the others?" Yuju raised her eyebrows.

"Well I was walking out of the bathroom and I could hear you crying. It was very quiet but I could still hear you. I, uh, chose to ask you because I knew you were awake and so I could make sure you were doing okay. These walls aren't as thick as you think" Eunha admitted. She liked to act as if she didn't care sometimes but deep down she did. She couldn't bare seeing her loved ones in pain.

"Oh...thanks" Yuju frowned.

"By the way, is everything okay?" Eunha asked.

"Yeah I'm fine. I'm just crying because I...miss Europe" Yuju lied. Of course she missed the wonderful place, but it wasn't worth crying over in her opinion.

"Does it have something to do with your relationships? Because I'm having relationship troubles too and I would love to help you" Eunha sweetly smiled at her.

"No but do you need advice from me? I heard you broke up with your boyfriend yesterday" Yuju, again, spoke without thinking.

"Oh...I could use someone to talk to" Eunha shut the door and sat back down on the bed.

"Is there any reason you broke up?"

"No I just don't think I can be with someone while doing a job like this, especially since he doesn't know I'm practically a hitman" Eunha frowned as she stared down at her fidgeting fingers.

"But do you think...maybe part of it was...Sowon coming back into your life?" Yuju asked. Yes, Yuju seemed to have no common sense sometimes, but sometimes she was smart enough to realize the truth behind something that was hidden so well.

"I didn't think of that actually" Eunha lied. She didn't want anyone to know how she felt. It wasn't that she still had feelings for Sowon, she just didn't want them to know that she was still in pain from the break up.

Eunha seemed to be able to psychically let Sowon go but she couldn't do it mentally. Eunha was able to understand things because of Sowon, things like love. And it wasn't just their intimate relationship. She taught Eunha how to make and be a friend. They had a special bond, all six of them did.

"I'm sure you did. Eunha, I know you so well. I know you didn't love your boyfriend as much as you think you did. In fact, you didn't even like him that much. You always complained about him, whereas when you're in love all you want to do is compliment that specific person. I know you weren't crying that night because of your boyfriend. Well I mean I know you were partially crying because of him but when you saw Sowon and Kim you were balling your eyes out. Don't hide it. Embrace it. Love is beautiful" Yuju said as she rubbed Eunha's back in a circular motion to stop her from crying so much. She kept sniffling but Yuju didn't mind. It was annoying but she didn't want to seem insensitive to Eunha's situation.

"I still feel so guilty, you know? I can't forgive myself and I think that's what's really making me break down inside" Eunha laid her head on Yuju's shoulder.

"You're already on your path to forgiving yourself" Yuju looked down at her and smiled.

"How so?"

"You've acknowledged that what you did was wrong and that's the first step to forgiveness. Its still a sensitive topic because it wasn't that long ago. Just give yourself some time, it'll blow over soon enough"

"It sure doesn't feel like it. It feels like the pain is still radiating throughout my entire body, more so than ever because she's back in my life"

"There are times when we face pain to where it's unbearable, but you have to keep fighting" Yuju was a good person to go to for advice, partly because she always used quotes.

But she was right. If you're going through hell, keep going, because there's a beginning and an end to everything.