✔️photograph • Kim Seungmin✔️

17 🌸

(before reading this, I would like to recommend you to get some tissues)

I was wrong. It could definitely go wrong. And WAY worse then ever before. No one expected it, everyone was just living happily until that one day. If only I did something, if only I called out to him, would he still be with us? If only the driver wasn't so drunk, would Jisung still be here? If only he didn't walk me home, would Jisung still be here? Laughing like never before, smiling like he always did, trying to make everyone feel at ease, always comforting others. It was supposed to be me, why did he have to sacrifice himself?

Our first memories together kept replaying in my head, memories that were slowly killing me inside. The feeling of his hug, his voice whispering in my ear, or seeing him on my doorstep with ice cream and a movie. He was always there for me, was angry for my sake, protected me from harm, so why couldn't I protect him?

His funeral was two weeks ago. Everyone cried their eyes out, including me. Seeing his pale body, his resting face, it all was too much. I begged for him to wake up, fell on the ground praying, but of course, it wouldn't work. He was gone. Forever. But I couldn't accept it. After he was slowly lifted in the ground, I ran away. I couldn't take it.

Ever since, I've been locked inside my own house. His last words haunting me, the same scene replaying over and over. The sound of the ambulance sirens still ringing inside my head. "I'm glad you're okay." Those were his last words, his hand on my cheek, before he closed his eyes and slipped away. Until the end, he didn't even care about himself. Why was he so selfless? Why?

The boys seemed to be getting better. They're eating again, sometimes laughing, actually smiling again, but I couldn't. They tried to come by, texted me a thousand times, but I didn't answer, I couldn't. If I saw them, would I cry again? Would I try to run away again? There were days when they actually went to my house, banging on the door, begging me to open up, but they never got an answer.

Until today. Well, they still didn't get an answer, but they found the key under my doormat. The door busted open, definitely startling me from under my blankets. I slightly moved up, now sitting in my bed. My eyes were puffy and red, my cheeks suddenly a lot less squishy, my waist a lot thinner. Anyone could see I hadn't been eating properly.

The door of my room slowly opened, revealing Seungmin. He was clearly taken aback by how much weight I lost, but he didn't make a fuss about it. Instead, he slowly walked up to me and pulled me into his arms. He started crying, causing me to cry as well. We didn't say a word, but both knew exactly how we felt.

"I miss him so much" Seungmin cried out, his voice was barely audible. "I miss him so much Y/N!" I just nodded, not able to say a single word. We sat there for what seemed like hours, crying in each other's arms, finally being able to find some comfort. Even though our hearts were completely broken, being together, started patching our hearts stitch my stitch. It would take time to heal, but it will heal. Some day it will.

After some time we both stopped crying, not having any tears left. We just held each other tight, burrying our heads in the crooks of our necks. More footsteps entered the house, slowly moving up. Chan stood in the door opening, his heart breaking when he saw the shape I was in. He clearly had been crying, but just showed a soft smile. "Come, Y/N, let's get you washed up and come over to eat something." I just nodded as both boys left the room. Seungmin's head hung low as he left.

I took a shower, trying to wash the sadness away. When I dried myself up again, I stood still in front of the mirror, finally seeing how much weight I had actually lost. It was to be expected after barely eating or drinking, but still shocking. Finally another emotion besides sadness. I went downstairs where Seungmin and Chan we're waiting.

As soon as I entered the room, they stopped talking, their eyes full of pity, but still forced a smile. Seungmin took my hand as he and Chan slowly walked me to their house. When I stood in front of it, realization and panick took over. Memories infiltrated my brain again. I started screaming, protesting, trying to run away, but Seungmin held me captive in his arms, he wouldn't let me go.

The door opened, as Hyunjin tried to see what was happening outside. He also kept himself shut in his room, but upon hearing a familiar voice he ran out. He too lost a lot of weight, but upon seeing me like that, shock still took over him. Seungmin let go of me, giving Hyunjin time to hug me as well, which he instantly did. He fell into my arms, finally letting out all the emotions he had kept inside.

"I'm so sorry" I repeated over and over. He shook his head, trying to stop me from apologizing over and over. "It's not your fault" he said inbetween his sobs. "It's not your fault" he repeated once more, making it feel for me as if an arrow was shot right through the heart. All this time I had been blaming myself, but no one else did. No one else blamed me for it, but was it okay? Was it okay to think it wasn't my fault?

Hyunjin carefully let go as the four of us went inside, greeting the other members. Chan cooked everyone dinner, but no one ate much. Jeongin tried his utmost best to set the mood, but without Jisung, the cheerfullest of them all, it was difficult. Despite that, everyone tried their best to stay strong, to smile, because they knew that Jisung wouldn't want them to be sad. That was just the type of guy he was.

After dinner, Chan called me aside. We went into his room, excusing ourselves from the rest. "Y/N, I have something I want to ask, and something I want you to read. I've spoken with your parents, they told me that they won't be home for a long time, so I asked them if you could live here for the time being, is that alright with you?" I slowly nodded. "Thank you" I said in a small voice. He smiled back. "You're welcome."

After that, he led me into Jisung's room. Well, he practically told me to go inside and went away, giving me some privacy. I held the doorknob, but hesitated before opening it. However, I still went inside. His room was untouched, but one thing stood out. An envelope right in the middle of his bed. "For Y/N" it said on it, immediately bringing back my tears. I opened it and started reading.

Hey Y/N, when you read this letter, it must mean that I'm already on vacation, since I told Chan to give it to you when I went back to Malaysia. I wanted to write you a message I could never possibly say in real life, because I'm sure I can't find the right words and I'm sure I would stutter. So, the thing I wanted to say was, I love you. I love every aspect of you, your smile, your voice, your mind. There, I said it. It kind of feels like a relief, writing this down. I've loved you from the moment we met, but of course, who was I to bring any more trouble when you were already so confused? I know that I won't have a chance, because we both know your heart belongs to someone else, but I still wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. When I come back, you don't have to give me an answer, just promise me that you won't treat me different okay? I really love you, thank you for making me happy.

~Jisung