All The Colors In One | FILLIE

twelve - fear

song - I Don't Want To Love You by Taylor Matthews 

~"Pretty baby don't you say a word
You tears say everything
I can tell there's heart that's hurt
Don't try to hide it from me"~

Her nights had turned sleepless, filled with nothing but tossing and turning as her body struggled to get comfortable. They were stretched out, dragging on longer every single night that her brain refused to let her rest, too terrified of what would happen when she was asleep. Without the feeling of Finn's soft breaths against her hair and their nimble fingers clasped together, she had nothing to chase away the bad dreams. She couldn't stop the fear crawling through her body when she collapsed onto her pillow, not comforted by any light or distractions when all she could see was darkness. She was terrified that she would be drawn in by the soothing nature of sleep, only for it to be broken cruelly by a twisted kind of darkness. Millie had to deal with her lack of sight every single day of her life, constantly reminded by what she once had and what she could never get back. All the dreams did was taunt her further, dangling what she truly wished for in front of her face, only to pull the rug from underneath her unsuspecting feet. She would not call them nightmares, because that described the life that she already had, something that she would never be able to wake up from. 

All of her life Millie had control. She had power over her surroundings and used that to plan everything, working out exactly where she was and where she was going next. When she lost her sight, all of that control was snatched away from her until she was left defenseless. She didn't know where she was or how to ask for help that she had never needed before, help for basic tasks and normal activities. Over the years of getting used to her condition, she had slowly started to gain control back, to adapt to her new life. But there were moments where that control was lost once more, and Millie was lost completely in the dark. 

"Watch it!" 

One shove was all it took for her to go tumbling down to the floor, her hands spread out in panic as she tried to search for some kind of recognition. The voice was a familiar growl and she pinpointed the figure that pushed against her as Parker from her class. She clenched her teeth to stop her lip from wobbling with worry as she shakily stood up, trying to work out where she had ended up. Everyone's voices around her had blurred into one, several bodies nudging against her as they moved to get to class. Millie span around with panic, not knowing which way was left or right, and where she was even trying to go. In the middle of her confusion she could vaguely remember her class, holding on a whimper as she realized that Finn was on his way back from AP Biology. He had been reluctant to leave her whenever the class came around, hating the idea of her being defenseless on her own, only to hear her argue in return that she could handle it. Millie's hands started to shake as she stood frozen still, feeling everyone move around her with every sense of direction, people that knew exactly where they were going. She blinked back tears, letting out a shaky breath before some control was finally given back to her. 

"Millie?" his voice was a shining light through the darkness. 

She breathed out a sigh of relief. "Finn."

His hands immediately reached for her arm, steadying her instantly as he joined her side. Millie didn't fight him, almost finding herself wanting to pull him closer. She bit her lip, fighting the urge to bury her face against his warm jumper and let him put her back together again, feeling his warm breath inside her curls. 

"Millie, is everything okay?" another voice came from beside them. 

Her body instantly froze. 

"I-I don't-"

"Sadie" Finn helped her out gently, "she was helping me with the notes in Biology. She's in my class, remember?"