All The Colors In One | FILLIE

nineteen - vulnerable

song - Tough by Lewis Capaldi 

~"And every day I'm reminded of
The way I let it come undone
And I feel like the lonely one
The only one with time worth wasting"~

It is suggested that every single person has at least one major fear. Human beings were caught up in small phobias, the smallest things that sent shivers down spines, that caused screams of fright to erupt into the atmosphere. But the important fear, the fear that really mattered, they typically hid in plain sight. It was more than just a simple feeling of dread, more than the feeling of goosebumps dancing up to the back of the neck, more than the slight shake in fingertips. Sometimes you did not even realize it, unaware that every single decision was attached to that fear, that certain situations were avoided and approached in a certain way. That the fear could be subconsciously controlling your entire life. 

Vulnerability. 

If she was being really honest, that is what scared her. It was only a simple word, but it was something that left her feeling so open, so unsafe that it left her going cold all over. There was something so terrifying about baring your soul to someone, letting them see the worst parts of you until there is nothing left to hide. No longer able to hide behind a facade, to conceal the feelings that lay inside once they had all been left on the table, free for anyone to assess. She didn't understand how she would be able to look at someone the same, knowing that they had seen her at her weakest moment, with nothing left to share. All of her life she had tried to be independent, building her walls up until it was almost impossible for anyone to break through the barriers that she had created. She couldn't stomach being vulnerable in front of those that she loved, knowing that she would never be seen as strong in their eyes again, knowing that it was no more than a lie every time she promised them that everything was okay. Maybe her fear is what drove her to pushing everyone else away, subconsciously forcing her to stay within her own dark corner, the darkness swallowing her whole. 

"Help me! Help! I-I can't see and I-I don't like it, please! I...I can't-"

She was brought of the dream with gentle fingers shaking her shoulders, the screams instantly turning into sobs once her eyes burst open. There was no light to reassure her that she was awake, no vision of familiar eyes to soothe her pounding heartbeat. She wanted nothing more than to cry in her parents arms, to pull them closer and let them make her feel whole again. Their voices were soft, hands stroking her cheeks so that she knew that they were there. 

"Shh...baby...we are here, alright? We're here, you're okay..."

She wanted to scream at them, to tell them that no, she wasn't okay.It seemed as if each day ended with the same hope, the hope that everything would change and that perhaps she would finally open her eyes again and see the light of day. She craved the sight of the sun melting behind the horizon, the shimmer of the moon against the water at night and how it rippled slightly with the waves, dancing around like liquid silver. Her dreams were filled were such color and light, such vivid visions that were instantly snatched away from her like they were in reality. She woke up confused, wishing that someone could switch a light on for her so that she didn't feel completely stuck in the darkness within her soul. Her parents had been woken up by her screams almost every night, rushing in to protect her and give her the comfort that she desperately needed. But it was useless comfort, comfort that she didn't deserve anymore. 

 "Millie, baby...talk to us" her father pleaded, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "We just need to understand, okay? Tell us what was happened."

She sniffed, shaking her head. 

"Hey, you can tell us anything" her mother soothed, "we are always here for you, remember? The doctor said that this would happen for a while and we want-"