All The Colors In One | FILLIE

twenty two - black hole

song - My Mistake by Gabrielle Aplin

~"I'm scared of everything
I don't dare to dream
I guard a dark imagination
These hours waste away"~

They say that a black hole, is filled with nothing and everything at the same time. Their gravitational field is so strong and intense that not even light can escape - that the entire space is made out of darkness. It is suggested that if a human would find their way to a black hole, they would feel the pull of gravity on every single inch of their body - pulling them apart from the inside. As they travel closer, their body would start to fall into little pieces along the way, until they became part of the black hole itself. 

Ever since she was a little girl, she felt as if she was trapped inside a black hole of her own, in her own personal hell - a hell that she could never get out of. It was a deep dark feeling inside of herself, the scary feeling that the entire universe would still exist without her. There was a simple sad fact that the world did not revolve around her - that the stars would still shine and gravity would still keep the earth centered if she was not there. It made her feel empty and unimportant, as if was just another piece of matter floating around like a lost object. Perhaps it was her parents and how she never felt enough for them, how she could be sitting at the dinner table and simply listen to them instead of speaking herself. Perhaps it was the way that she could be surrounded by those that were supposed to love her - but still feel just as alone. At first it was simply small insults, or the way that she was sometimes ignored by her friends during recess, making her feel as insignificant as the moon itself. Nobody ever stayed up to watch the moon in all of its glory - they stayed awake to watch the sun rise again. 

"How are you feeling, sweetheart?" 

Millie snorted slightly, eyes closed. "Do you care?"

"Millie."

Her voice fell weak. "I'm sorry...I'm just really confused and scared. I am worried that I will make the wrong decision and that I would have been better off without my sight."

Her mother sat beside her, placing her hand slowly on her daughter's knee - knowing that if she did it too fast it would make her jump. Millie thought back to every moment since she became blind, every adjustment that her parents had made - cancelling their vacation so that she was not home alone, doing their own research about her condition so that they could understand, using their last cent for doctors and therapists. While it may not have been the best way to help, she knew that is all they truly wanted to do - to help. 

"C-Can I ask you something?" Millie whispered, feeling sick. 

Her mother frowned, "Of course, sweetheart."

"Why did you leave me?"

"W-What do-"

Millie took a deep breath. "The day that I lost my sight...when we went to the hospital and the doctor told us what had happened. You and Dad...you told me that you were going to get food while I was crying and you were gone for a long time. H-How could you just leave?"

Kelly squeezed her eyes shut. "We went out in the waiting room for a while...I remember bursting into tears and your father holding me until I stopped. I couldn't even speak because I would just feel sick and I-I didn't want to choke. It was hard for us, you know. Your father and I...we never knew how to deal with it and maybe we didn't know how to tell you that we were hurting too. I w-wanted to be strong for you...w-we both did. But it was hard and I don't want you to think that we didn't ever care...that we were being selfish. Maybe we were but I-I didn't know how to tell you that everything would be okay...I just felt like such a failure."