All The Colors In One | FILLIE

seventeen - oceans apart

song - Oceans by Seafret 

~"It feels like there's oceans
Between me and you once again
We hide our emotions
Under the surface and tryin' to pretend"~

Ever since he was twelve years old, the crushing weight of the pressure was forced upon his back. He could remember getting his first report card, beaming at both of his parents who glanced at each other with proud looks. The alphabet had never been more important to him, and it became something for him to strive for, something that couldn't change. But after a while, he got new presents for Christmas and the usual light-hearted pleasures of a twelve year old took over, the school work seeming tiring. After a while it seemed as if it wasn't worth it anymore, and part of him was content with the slightly different letters of the alphabet, that pushed him slightly below the top of the class. It was the look on his parent's faces when he showed the report card that haunted his mind, their lips turning in a different direction as if he had failed them somehow. Finn would cower away slightly, mumbling apologies as they sat him down and explained why it was so important that he made them proud. It was then that he realized the cruel truth of parenting. His parents were never proud of him doing well, they were proud of themselves for raising such a perfect son. 

Through the years of perfect report cards and extra credit projects, his anxiety started to crawl to the surface like a thick cloud of black fog. He could never stop the sick feeling pushing against his gut, making him feel light-headed and sweaty as he waited for his grades. The pressure was growing with his anxiety, his parents pushing him towards college majors and different career paths for him to explore. Sometimes it felt like he was swimming around in a fishbowl, with everyone staring at him, words coming out blurred and echoed as he tried to block out their voices. But when he was with her, the glass shattered and he could finally find peace. He finally felt like he could belong somewhere, just the way that he was. 

The door opened and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Mr Brown?"

"Finn" the man nodded, scratching his chin slightly, "uh, I just wanted to let you know that you can go ahead and go to school. You don't need to wait for Millie today."

He tilted his head slightly, "Oh, um...is she coming later?"

"She doesn't feel very well," Robert Brown mumbled with a sympathetic smile, tapping the door frame awkwardly as if they both knew it was a lie. "She doesn't want to come in today. I just wanted to let you know that she may not come in tomorrow either."

His face fell. "Oh."

"Have a good day, Finn" the man nodded, going to shut the door. 

Finn's hand shot out to stop him. "Wait! Uh, c-can I see her? I just needed to talk to her about something, I will be really quick. It's about...um...school work."

"If you're quick" Robert sighed, opening the door wider. 

The wood of her door looked the same, still covered with the same rainbow drawings and flowers that were there when he first met her. But the atmosphere was eerily quiet, almost too quiet as he stood outside, nervous to knock. Finn sighed, reluctantly knocking on the wood softly and straining his ears to hear any kind of movement. On the other side of the door, Millie sucked in a short breath as she recognized the nervous pacing. She squeezed her eyes shut, not prepared for the conversation that would follow and why she was scared to stutter like an idiot in front of him. The previous day had been playing on a loop in her head, the feeling of his nose brushing hers and the dip in her stomach when she felt his warm breath against her cheek. It wouldn't leave her mind, creating a dizzy sensation inside of her mind until she could hardly focus, gritting her teeth in frustration.