All The Colors In One | FILLIE

thirty eight - eclipse

song - Someone To Stay by Vancouver Sleep Clinic

~"Hear you falling and lonely, cry out
Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?
The end of the day, I'm helpless
Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?"~

Two days later, with his lanky body slumped into a chair, he could still remember every last detail. Her soft hand still had the same golden glow, but it was colder somehow - as if the sunshine had been emptied out of her. He ran his pale thumb across her knuckles, wondering how he was supposed to lift her up when he felt stuck at the bottom of a black hole. He had never been fond of hospitals : the rooms plain, sterilized air pungent, solemn faces all around. The beeping of the machines around him were obnoxious, but never enough to drown out the sounds that would haunt him forever. 

Millie cried the entire way to the hospital. 

He wasn't even sure if the term 'cried' could describe such a thing, each broken sob full of anguish and pain, something that made him feel shaky and sick to his stomach. The more they tried to calm her down, the more hysterical she became. He could remember moving her hands away when she tried tugging on her hair, fighting back tears of his own whenever she shoved him away from her. She would not accept his touch, moving away whenever he grew closer, like a raging fire that could scald her skin. It was almost sunset when they reached the hospital, an irony that had him clenching his fists angrily, cursing whatever God was up there in the sky. He could remember the remaining energy leaving her body as she faded away, eyes fluttering shut as the nurses whispered overhead. He could remember her parents clinging onto each other so fiercely, getting angry with the hospital staff that would not tell them what was going on, pacing the floor. But Finn was sat down, head buried in his hands - hopeless. Beside her, two painful days later, he clung onto her hand like it was a lifeline. He shook his head and took deep breaths whenever the emotion hit him, perhaps worried that if he broke down and allowed himself to cry - he wouldn't be able to stop either. 

Finn had never believed in anything until she came along. He could never understand those who had their own faith, rolling his eyes at any fortune tellers that he passed by. But then she tumbled into his universe and within days, had shaken everything up. When he watched her silently, he would find himself glancing up at the clouds, wondering if this mysterious girl was fire in her soul was his salvation. He felt a strange sense of peace when she was around, even finding strange reasons to smile when she argued with him. And when he heard her laugh for the first time - he looked up to whatever lived between the stars, thanking them for her. Just as sharply as she had span his world around, two days changed everything. Maybe the world just wasn't fair, and he could no longer find anything to believe in when he held her cold hand, knowing that the moment she woke up - she would fall apart all over again. While she rested in the comfort of medicine and dreams, he couldn't seem to figure it out. What was he supposed to tell her? What was he supposed to say? How could he fill her up again when he felt so empty? How could he fix her when he found himself breaking simultaneously?

"Mr and Mrs Brown?"

Her parents stopped pacing for a moment, heads snapping to the door where her doctor stood, fiddling with the clipboard in his hand as he glanced at his patient. "Y-Yes?"

His shoulders were tense, "Shall we step outside for a moment?"

Finn followed them to the hallway like a lost puppy, head drooping, looking as powerless as he felt. In that moment he knew that he deep down, Millie would always need someone. Whether she admitted it to herself or not, she needed someone to stay when things got hard, someone that would help everything make sense again. But in that moment, it felt impossible. He was no superhero, he had no powers to turn back the clock, he did not have the ability to numb the pain that she would inevitably feel, he was completely and utterly powerless.