All The Colors In One | FILLIE

twenty one - imagination

song - Tell Me That You Love Me by James Smith

~"All the things I've should have said before
But just once more
Will you stay with me tonight
And pretend it's all alright"~

She was floating on the cusp of reality, dangling around in the atmosphere like a weightless, shapeless piece of existence. There were no words that could reach her ears, no sensations that could be felt from the tips of her fingers to the ground that she stood on. The world around her seemed slightly off as if she had yet to wake up - reality a phrase that simply couldn't reach her. Perhaps after so many years of welcoming disappointment into her life, her body was not prepared for the small flutter of hope that appeared deep within her heart. It was as if she was trapped within a strange dream - lost in a stream of consciousness. 

Her parents had hovered around her, glancing at each other with nervous gazes as if terrified that she would refuse the surgery. The monotone words passed through her mind in a blur, rushing like the sound of water in her eardrums, side affects, complications, failure, rejection. She simply nodded, banging her cane along gently as she found her way back to the car, hoping that her parents would give her some space. When they finally got home, her parents asked her if she wanted any tea - no, or if she wanted to talk about it - no, or if she needed sleep - I don't know. That night was filled with white noise, the gentle breeze drowned out by her obsessive thoughts, uncontrollable thoughts that she could kept escaping her. It was something that she had wanted for so long, something that filled every single dream and was whispered at every single birthday wish. But now that it could become a possibility, it all felt so wrong all of a sudden. The doctors claimed that she could be in shock, that her mind was crowded with the fear of what the world would be like - a world that she wasn't used to. They suggested that she had gotten so familiar with the darkness around her, that she had started to become comfortable with her colorless-life. Maybe they were right. 

"Finn?" she called out once the line stopped ringing. 

"Millie?"

There it was, the single word that acted as the anchor in her rocky waters, the light in her thoughts sheltered by storm clouds - a word that dragged her back to reality. She closed her eyes at the sound of his voice, a voice that could force her to climb mountains, to convince her that she deserved better - that she could be better. 

"Can you come over?"

Finn's voice held a panicked edge. "Are you okay?"

"I want to see you" she admitted quietly. "I want to see you here."

He frowned. "Uh...see me?"

Not yet, her heart whispered, but soon enough. 

Millie clenched her eyes shut, voice wavering slightly. "I want you to come over, Finn. Is that okay or not?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." he rambled. "...um, of course!"

He was an anxious mess when he turned up, all jittery fingers and wobbly knees as he entered her room, almost as if it was the first time. He could remember the day that he met her, how closed off she sounded despite her body automatically sliding closer to him - face inches away from his in a way that made his heart pound with a strange excitement. Maybe it was the excitement of what was to come, the wonder that came from meeting the mysterious girl with cracks in her foundation, thousands of small cracks that he wanted to fill up with his own broken parts. Now he was standing in front of her, knowing her as the same person - but entirely different at the same time. He had seen her scream in agony until tears were forced from her pained eyes, giggling like an innocent child as she swirled her ice cream into soup, seen all of the scars that lay underneath her soul - scars that he wanted to heal if she would let him. Millie was waiting for him with fiddling hands of her own, eyes cast down at the floor, flinching when she heard his soft knock as if she was not quite ready for him.