All The Colors In One | FILLIE

thirty seven - trapped in a fish bowl

song - Broken by Lifehouse 

~"I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating"~

She had always insisted on fighting her own battles. A layer of armor around her heart so thick that others couldn't find the strength to break through, knowing that her defenses would simply push further back each time. A heroine that refused assistance, holding up walls around herself so that she didn't have to depend on those who could let her down. She wanted to write her own story, to hold the pen of possibilities for her future. It was an image that she had invented for herself, someone that didn't need anyone by her side, a difficult habit to break out of. He knew that she tried her best, willing herself to open up to him despite her heart desperately trying to hide away. Through the year that he had known her, the layers had slowly began to let up with each smile, every brush of his fingers against hers. She told herself that it was something within his gaze, those eyes that unlocked something within her. When he looked at her in such a way, those old habits seemed easier to break. But the warrior inside of her would always be there, something that he usually admired. She was the strongest person that he had ever known, making it out on the other side of her crumbling universe after the cards that she had once been dealt. But the warrior inside of her, would not always admit defeat. 

It was something that he hardly noticed at first, the slightest shift within those autumn eyes. They struggled to meet his every day and before she kissed him with that usual sweet smile, there was a funny look on her face. It was something close to fear, as if she was afraid of what he would notice if he kept looking close enough. He continued to swallow down the churning worry inside his stomach, pretending that he didn't notice how strained her smiles became. When she leaned her head on his shoulder and squeezed his hand, he could almost trick himself into believing that everything was okay. But then he would look into her eyes and see something almost too-similar to the sadness that once lay in there. 

"Are you okay?"

"You already asked that."

Finn nudged her knowingly. "I don't believe your answer."

Her hands pulled her backpack up off the floor, distracting herself by sorting through her textbooks and worksheets. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, using every excuse that she could find to avoid his gaze : reading her notes, reorganizing her pencil case, sipping from her water bottle. But after a few minutes, she couldn't avoid the weight of his gaze on her back and she turned to face him with forlorn eyes. 

She swallowed heavily, "Can you please stop asking me that?"

He paused at the smallness of her voice. "Has something happened? You're-"

"No", she shook her head firmly, "I'm fine."

Finn searched her eyes, "Mill..."

"Can you please stop saying my name like that?" she groaned. 

"Like what?"

"Like..." she thought for a moment, giving him a cold stare as she spat the words out, "...like I'm fading away in front of you, like I'm not even here."

He swallowed. "That's what it feels like."

"Finn."

"Mill."

"Stop it, I'm-"

"You need to talk to me-"

She huffed. "I am talking to you."

He blew out a long breath, bending down until his knees hit the floor. His hands grabbed her own that were settled in her lap, pulling her to the edge of the bed so that he could kneel in front of her and look up into her eyes, "That's not what I meant and you know it."