Tabula Rasa (Unlike Loki: Book Two)

Chapter 54

(Loki)

"Anna, darling, pacing the room is not going to get you anywhere." I said.

She shot me a look, her eyes squinted in a glare that could shoot knives. Her hair was messy and she looked pale, her shoulders sunken. I hated seeing her this way; hated seeing her defeated and scared and angry. She didn't desearve this, any of it. She desearved to be happy and safe. She desearved to hold her son in her arms and be married to someone who hadn't turned her life into hell. She desearved the white picket fences and the two perfect kids and the romantic husband who grilled and a dog who kept them going. She didn't desearve this, I didn't deserve her.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I heard Anna ask softly.

Her voice takes me away from my thoughts and I walk over to her, really taking her in, looking at every feature on her beautiful face. She makes my head swim and I take her into my arms, holding her close. I feel her tense in surprise as her body leans against mine, but she almost immediately relaxes, her arms folding around my waist. I feel her take a deep breath, breathing me in.

After a few moments of silence, I feel her soft voice against my chest, "What was it like?"

I know immediately what she is referring to, and my mind automatically races through my memories, bringing up visions that make me sick.

I step away from Anna, my breath limited.

"Loki?" I hear Anna ask, and her hand lightly touches my arm.

I look at her sadly, knowing fear has flooded my eyes. She immediately reacts, her eyes filling with dread and sorrow. She covers her mouth, tears slowly falling down her face.

She shuts her eyes tight and shakes her head, "I am so sorry." her body racks with her sobs.

I rush to her and take her in my arms, smoothing her hair. "It was not your fault. Don't you ever think it was your fault." I push her away from my chest and tilt her chin up so that she is looking up at me. Her face is wet and splotchy. "You were forced. And if you hadn't been, I still would have died. I still would have lost. I am stronger now, as I should be. I seem to live by Midgard's saying: 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'" I smile and she chuckles, sniffing.

"Do you really want to hear about it?" I ask her. Her eyes widen slightly, and I know that she is not sure if she wants to say 'yes' or 'no'. I don't even know if I really want to tell her.

But I can't hide from my nightmares forever.

You would think I'd have learned that by now.

She stares at me for a moment more before nodding her head. "I do." She looks down and I push her against me again, folding my arms around her.

"It was dark. Not the kind of dark your eyes get used to, but the kind of dark that makes you feel lost. The kind of dark that makes you shut your eyes, because that somehow makes you feel safer. It was quiet, eerily so. But, every now and then, you'd hear a shriek of pain. But it was so quiet, you weren't sure if it was real or just your imagination acting on your fear. I couldn't feel my legs, but I could feel that I was walking on solid ground, which may or not have been true because when I went to touch the ground with my hands, they were met with no resistance, as if they were fondling the air. And the smell. It was not one that was describable. It was like death andn pain and fear. It invaded your nostrils and filled your lungs, making it hard to think straight. I felt alone and I was scared. I thought I as in Helheim, and if that was just the In-Between, I wouldn't even wish to put my worst enemy in Helheim. It was cold and hot at the same time, and it was as if the very atmosphere made you weak and slow. I tried to walk, to travel, but found that I could only walk in place, forever tied down to this one spot. I couldn't sleep and I felt no hunger. But I do remember the thirst. And it wasn't for water. Sometimes the screams got louder, but they may have been mine." I felt Anna shiver against my skin, her hands gripping the back of my shirt.