Tabula Rasa (Unlike Loki: Book Two)

Chapter 86

(Anna)

I stood looking out the large window at the front of the ship as we drove through space. 

I don't know how long I had been standing there, wrapped in a thin blanket the woman had given me. 

A blanket no unlike those that Leolin and By's body's were wrapped in. 

My hand flew to my mouth to stifle the sound of my cries. I squeezed my eyes shut, causing the tears that had been waiting to flow to rush down my face. I held the blanket tighter against me, the folded piece of paper Talia had given me crumpled in my hand as well.

My heart and soul hurt. I feared that I had been put over the edge this time, and no one could bring me back. I had had one job. As a mother, I was supposed to protect my son. 

And I had failed. 

Maybe he had been beyond saving. But he was still my son. He was my responsibility to save, no matter the cost. He had changed so much. Ha, wasn't that the biggest understatement the world had ever heard? He had turned truly evil, his soul as black as his hair. His destiny had changed in the blink of an eye. And when the stone turned him back into his younger self, it only reminded me of all that had been lost, how much had been ruined. My little boy was gone forever. I was one of those who believed that the child should never die before the parent. But once again, it was as if there were different rules applied to me. 

Had the Universe cursed us forever?

And then there was By. Complicated By. I should have figured out he was Loki's brother; the prince who ran away from home. A few days ago, if I had found out, I would have thrown him out, banished him. I would have felt betrayed and violated. But he gave his life in attempt to save me and my family. He may not have succeeded, but the effort meant so much to me. I just wish that he had been able to walk away from the experience. And then, part of me felt guilty. Had I never allowed myself to get involved with him, he never would have grown such strong feelings for me, then maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to try and save us; to save me. And he'd still be alive. He might even be sitting on the throne of Jotunheim.

That was another thing that needed taken care of.  

Loki had told me that By intercepted the stone and tried to use the spell Amora had given us ahead of time to bring me back to life, but he had been killed before he could finish the task. But Talia finished the job. I held her paper tighter at the thought of her. I had yet to read it, for I was scared of what it would say. She had save my life and then made sure we were all safe, but where was she now? Had she turned over a new leaf, or was her newfound compassion temporary? 

I had lost so much in the span of a single month. 

If anyone else-

I don't think I could take another loss in my life. Death was inevitable, I knew that. But none of the deaths that had happened in my life had been natural. 

Every single one of them had been murdered. 

I ran through the list in my head, and my lips trembled at the length of it. 

My parents. 

My brothers. 

Those men I killed for revenge for starting me on a path that would forever scar me. 

Me. I had somehow escaped permanent death at least twice now. 

My brothers returned, only to be killed again. 

Loki, unwillingly killed by moi. 

Talia, only to be turned against me, and then later help me. 

Torren. God, I hadn't thought about him in ages. He never should have met me, it would have ended better for him. 

All those people on Asgard. Loki had decided to let them be, the souls, as long as they agreed to fight for him shall he need it. And they were to live separately from the rest of the Asgardians, for everyone's safety. 

Anyone who was caught in the crossfires of our battle: nameless soldiers and servants. Thor had almost lost his life in that conflict. 

Leolin. My sweet baby boy. My son. My everything. He was supposed to grow up to be a prince and a king. He was supposed to love and be loved. He was supposed to learn from his father and train with him. He was supposed to develop his powers so that they could protect and help people. He was supposed to be alive. 

By. My dear friend. A man who had once been my lover. A man who had deep, dark secrets of his own. A great man who had desearved so much more than what he got. I don't think he ever truly got a chance to grow into the man he truly was, not until the end at least. 

I was sure there were more that had been lost. Those I could not remember and who I should have. 

The constant pain in my heart made me want to shove the knife back in; it would hurt less. The wound that had been there was almost healed now, thanks to the magic performed on me. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and nearly jumped out of my skin. I had been so deep in my thoughts that I hadn't heard the approaching footsteps. 

I turned and found Peter standing at my side. He smiled weakly at me, pity in his eyes. "About a days worth of traveling and we should hit Asgard." He put his arm around me and stared out the window after I nodded my head in understanding. 

After a few moments of silence, he sighed. "Why were you out there, Anna?" Worry was etched in his voice. 

I leaned against him and took a big breath. "Thanos wanted an infinity stone and..." I didn't know where to go from there, where to start. 

He sucked in a breath. "Yea. I've learned not to mess with those." 

I turned to him, confused. 

"That's how I met all those knuckle-heads." He laughed. "But don't worry. It's safe." He looked down. "We lost good people in that battle too. People who agreed to fight with us and for us, to save the galaxy." He shrugged his shoulders. "Those stones are nasty powerful." 

"Yea, well at least you kept the stone away from the bad guy." I kicked at the floor.

"He may have the stone. He may have won this battle, Anna. But he won't win the war. He can't, not with the likes of us around." He nudged me. 

I faked a smile. 

"Loki seems a lot less scary than I thought he would." He joked. "I lent him my room. I think he's pretending to sleep." He squeezed me tighter. I could hear music playing softly in the background. "He's your true love or whatever you want to call it, isn't he." 

I looked up at him. "Yea. 100%." I smiled. I still had Loki. We would somehow get through this.

Together.

"I see you've been squeezing that piece of paper since you got on board." He leaned close, "Ya know, I've learned that it's better to open things like that when you get them. That's what they are for. To soften the pain." He kissed me on the top of the head and then took my hand. "Trust me, Anna-Banana." He smiled and squeezed my hand before walking away. 

He seemed more confident than I remembered, even when I saw him not that long ago. He had friends, he'd grown up, he was less wild and more collected. 

I thought about his words and looked down at the note in my hand, bent from my grip. 

Then, I broke the seal and began to read.