Benjey Smut & Fluff

7/23/19

"Benji, I love you so much," I hear my voice crack. "But we just can't be together anymore." I put my head in my hands so I don't look around the room I've grown to enjoy so much. I don't want to look at Benji's books or trophies. I can't look at the pictures of us on his walls or the scrapbook I made for him two years ago for our one year anniversary.

"Baby," Benji grabs my wrists and pulls me into his chest. He wraps his arms around me and plays with my hair.  

"I'm so sorry," I sob. There's nothing else to do.

"Can I ask why?" I pull away and look up at him. His right eye has a dark green circle around it where he had gotten punched a week ago. His nose slightly crooked from when it broke and he never went to the doctor. He is still so beautiful. Everything about him. Over the past three years I've memorized his face. Every freckle or scar. The way his eyes squint when he smiles and his small crooked teeth.

"I thought you were dead."

"I'm not, though," He looks down at me. His eyes are read and glazed over. He's trying not to cry.

"I put everyone I love at risk. My siblings, my mom, my friends. Everyone." I take a deep breath trying to remember what I wanted to say. "You've started a war between the two gangs in town. They wont stop. And I know you guys didn't bring that gun and you didn't point it at anyone or shoot, but you went there wanting to hurt somebody."

"You need to keep your family safe. I get it," He gives me a small smile. I rubs my cheek with his thumb. That touch. The feeling of him touching me. A feeling that I wont have anymore, but crave every single day. I lean into his hand closing my eyes. I try to picture a world where this didn't happen and my family didn't threaten to kick me out. I dream of a time and place where we can be together. Just him and I. It's a place where love is enough and we have plenty to give.

"I love you so much," I wipe my face on my shirt, not caring that I probably look like an absolute mess right now. "You're still my best friend."

"Ever since that first day of freshman year," He smiles at me and pulls me into his chest. He lays down with me in his arms. "We sat right next to each other in science class and we've been best friends ever since."

"I can't believe it took us so long to get together," I laugh. "Look at us now."

Benji uses his hands to raise my chin so I have to look at him. "I love you. All I care about is your safety."

I lean over and kiss his lips softly. When I pull away, he grips my hair and pulls me back down. We lay there for a while, kissing when we know it's just going to hurt even worse. I try to take in his taste, smell, and the feeling of him. I know I will see him around, we live in a small town, and we're friends, but in this moment it feels like I'll never see him again. I just want to touch him like this forever.

"Can I walk you out?" Benji asks when we pull away. I smile and nod my head. We walk out to the garage where my friends and his friends are smoking.

"Hey," Syd says when he sees me come in. "Do you want to go?" I nod my head, holding it together until we get outside, where I let everything out.

I scream and cry into the night until it's no longer dark outside.