Benjey Smut & Fluff

6/25/16

⚠️This story contains some abuse, both physical and verbal. All of what I've written has happened to me. It happened almost three years ago, but to this day I still have nightmares about it. I woke up this morning, terrified, just because I dreamt about it. Please be cautious reading this, it might be triggering to some. ⚠️

"You're still coming over tomorrow, right?" Benji asks through the phone. I smile at the wall in front of me.

"Yes," I jump when I hear the front door slam, signaling that my dads home. "I have to go, I love you."

I hang up before Benji can reply. I wanted to wait for him to tell me he loves me too, but the last thing I need it to get in trouble with my dad for having my phone in my room. I run down the hall and smile at my dad, who's sitting on the couch in the living room, talking to my younger brother.

"Hey, how was work?" I sit down next to my dad, putting on the best smile I can.

"Good. I was thinking we could have spaghetti tonight for dinner," Dad turns on the TV, sliding his shoes off and putting his feet up on the coffee table in front of him.

"Sounds good," my brother smiles at him, still clueless to my dads abusive tendency's. He has, and probably will, spent his whole life trying to please my dad. I gave up on trying to be the perfect son a long time ago.

"How was your appointment?" My dad turns to me.

"Good, I haven't lost anymore weight so that's good. My doctors putting me on some vitamins so I don't loose any nutrients," I sigh, looking at the ground. I've been in and out of the hospital for the past couple months for various reasons, but each visit ends in them giving me IVs. Being under 90 pounds at age 16, apparently, wasn't healthy.

"I'm going to take a shower, let me know when dinners done," I stand up and walk to the bathroom. I grab a fresh towel from the cupboard under the sink and set it on the hook next to the shower.

I watch myself take off my clothing in the mirror in front of me. My ribs poke out under the skin of my chest. My arms, small enough to fit in one, closed, hand. My stomach sinks in slightly and I can see every inch of my hip bones.

What my dad doesn't understand is, I don't enjoy this. I don't like the way I look. I didn't mean for it to get this bad, and I didn't force myself to loose so much weight. One day, I got sick. It started off as a simple cold, that turned into a head cold, that turned into the flu, that turned into mono. Pretty soon, four months had gone by without me eating. Once you go that long without it, your stomach shrinks, and it takes a while to be able to eat big portions of food again. A few bites of food every couple of hours was enough for me.

I run my fingers against my thighs, so small that they're at least six inches apart, nowhere close to touching. How could my dad think I want this? I think I'm disgusting. I don't know how Benji stayed with me this whole time. I don't know how he continues to make love to me and tell me I'm beautiful. I feel ugly.

I sigh and step into the shower, letting the warm water run across my skin. I close my eyes, bringing shampoo to my hair. I lather it around, making sure to get every strand of my thinning hair. When I open my eyes, I get dizzy. I grab onto the metal bar in the shower, holding myself up and taking a few deep breathes. It happens a lot, passing out, or at least being close to it.

After my shower I put on a large sweater and a pair of sweatpants. Although it's the middle of summer, I find myself getting cold even in 100 degree heat. I guess that's what happens when you have no fat on your body.

The smell of tomatoes and garlic fill my nose as I walk down the hallway.

"I made you a plate already. It's on the table," My dad says in a sharp tone. I nod my head and sit down next to my brother. In front of me, a plate piled high with noodles. I sigh, looking at the dinner in front of me. It's too much.