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chapter 19: family feud.

Oh you kissed me,

Just to kiss me,

Not to make me cry.

It was simple.

You are sweetness.

Let's just sit a while.

"And I shouldn't be like this! Fuck! I'm not like this! Why am I balling my eyes out for nothing? It's so ridiculous!" I say feeling really out of breath from my sobs, while cuddled up in bed with Noah.

In fact, I am like this. I cry roughly every day. But I hate that about me. And I hate showing that side of me.

"Sky, stop this shit! Hey, baby? Listen to me? Alright? You're allowed to feel whatever you are feeling, okay? You're allowed to feel things. You don't have to pretend you don't feel pain. It's okay." He says rubbing his finger through my cheek.

No, Noah, it's not okay.

It's not my place to bother you with my shit.

It's mine. I should deal with it on my own... like I always do.

I hate feeling down. I hate being vulnerable with people. But he makes it so much more easy to open up.

Brooklyn's words are still playing on a loop in my head.

"You're ruining people because you're so damn selfish."

What if I am?

The truth is I feel unexplainable guilt about everything related to Campbell. I feel like I've added more pain to the unmeasurable amount he already feels. I amplified the voice of his demons. Then I went out of my way, and continue to do so, to help him with it. To fix him. When in reality, I'm well aware I've added to his brokenness.

Maybe I'm still doing so. Maybe he sees that I'm getting closer to Noah and that hurts him. Maybe I'm just making it all worse by being here.

I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt anyone, I swear I don't, but I can't leave. I can't bring myself to leave.

So Brooklyn is not wrong. If we put it plain and simple, I do ruin people. I ruin the people I love. I ruin the people I care for. I'm a fucking mess. And I do it because I'm selfish. Because I do selfless things at times to hide my selfish ways. Because even though I shouldn't be here, I am, and I'm not gonna leave.

My selfish ways... the way I do what I want more than I should... it ruins people. He is right.

And now everyone seems to be realising it. And getting away from me.

Yet here is Noah. And here would also still be Campbell if I was to call him.

I don't have one doubt in my mind that he would get here in a heartbeat if I asked him for help.

But in a way, I wish he wouldn't. And Noah neither.

Because I don't want to ruin them, at least not more than I already have.

But again, I'm still here. I'm still looking for comfort with Noah, knowing how I am. I'm still here.

I am selfish.

"No it's not. It isn't that big of a deal for me to be crying like I'm 3 years old! I shouldn't be here, Noah. I'm not doing any good here, this is a mess. I don't want to... to..."

I can't even form a coherent sentence. I'm chocking up in my own sobs. Fully unable to say a word without it getting cut by a hiccup.

I don't know why I can't stop crying.