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chapter 42: "and a milkshake... and some fries..."

We used to be close, but people can go

From people you know to people you don't.

And what hurts the most is people can go

From people you know to people you don't.

I couldn't do it.

I just couldn't.

I wanted to, but I couldn't.

I just couldn't.

The words were stuck and I couldn't make them roll out.

And now I want to scream. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.

I just lost Noah.

I lost him.

I lost my only shot at love.

I lost the person that literally made me rethink the way I see relationships.

I fucking lost him.

What if there really are soulmates? And what if he was mine?

What now? 

Why?

Why is life treating me like this?

I love him! I love him so fucking much.

But I couldn't tell him.

I couldn't tell him I love him and I couldn't tell him what happened to me.

Not even to have the truth come out. Not even to keep him. Not even to ease his pain and his torment.

Nothing could make me say it.

I wanted to. I was yelling the whole time in my head to just say the damn words.

To say I love him and I'd never do that. To say I didn't do that. To tell him everything that happened. To ask for a hug. A kiss. Some comfort.

But I couldn't do it.

I couldn't physically form the words.

And then he hugged me without me having to ask. It was like he read my thoughts.

He gave me what I needed without a word.

I wish he would've read the other things my mind was yelling that I couldn't say out loud.

That hug meant so much because it was much needed. But it felt like it was goodbye. Because it was indeed goodbye. Yet his touch... It still felt so good.

It felt so safe.

It felt like everything I've ever needed.

And I wanted that. That exact moment of confort in his arms to last forever.

But it couldn't.

And to know that he only did what he did with the other girl because he thought I was doing things with those guys...

I honestly don't know how to feel about it.

I think in a way it's comforting to know that he didn't actually do it just because- because he was done with me... he wasn't.

He did it for the exact same reason I did what I did with Campbell.

Because that's how our brains work... fucked up? Maybe. But a match made both in hell and in heaven? For sure.