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chapter 38: "the sun is really warm".

I know my place,

It ain't with you,

Well, sunsets fade and love does too.

So... I decided to go with lies.

It just seemed like the best option. The easiest one too.

Have you eaten today? Yes.

Did you sleep well? Yes.

Are you feeling better? Yes.

Are you okay? Yes.

Little lies never hurt no one, right? And to be fair, they just spare me a whole lot of work.

I'm gonna fight to stay alive. 

Not only for the people I love, but for myself... I swear I will...

I've been thinking a lot and I have come to terms with the fact that there's nothing I can do to change what happened to me. Telling people what happened isn't going to erase it from ever happening and I honestly think it's not going to help me in any way, so I'm just not going to do it.

But if I truly want it to sound believable, I need to actually start acting like I'm okay... I need to go back to living.

I really don't want it. I really don't think I can, but fuck, I'm from LA, acting fake should be my special tea.

I'm starting my mission the hard way today... going to cheerleading practice.

I've actually made myself eat today, I'm kinda proud of that... I just don't want to repeat the little Friday night incident.

The game was cancelled because of me... I bet everyone is going to be mad at me in practice, but to be honest, there are things for me to care more about at the moment.

"Mom, I told you, I can drive myself there... or I can Uber or something..." I tell my mom as we both sit in the kitchen.

"Sky, did you forget everything you've been through?" No, mom, I really didn't. "You shouldn't even be going to practice in the first place! You have stitches in your forehead, for goodness sake."

What? No shit, Sherlock...

"Yeah, I know, but I feel better now, I do."

"You have to be more careful, Sky, you could've gotten in a lot of trouble. And while we weren't even in town." She says looking a bit annoyed.

"Well, it's not my fault you weren't in town." I say truthfully.

"Yeah, but it is your fault you didn't eat for so long, and it's your fault you felt like that... you should be more careful... you should just eat. I understand you wanting to diet sometimes for modelling or cheerleading but that's not the way to go, Sky." She says as if trying to give me a lesson.

Oh, I get it, she thinks I'm just stupid and just didn't eat because I want to lose weight. I see. She also thinks I can 'just eat'... Guys, I think my mom just single handedly cured my eating disorders.

She has always said these things to me... 'just eat', 'it's not that hard'... but at the same time, when I did eat, I'd hear 'don't eat that'. 'don't eat so much'... a lot of people tend to say those things... and I can't blame them... they don't know what it's like.

My relationship with food has been an on going up and down... I either fo through phases of binge eating or I go through phases of borderline starving... or throwing up what I eat.