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chapter 37: nightmare.

tw// again,, this one is..... a lot. though i gave a warning at the beginning of the book because the WHOLE thing can be triggering to some, i'm just here to remind you not to read this if anything regarding sexual violence or suicidal thoughts, could potentially be triggering to you. pls do put yourself first, u got this. ilysm <3

Lately I'm counting the minutes that I've got left,

And lately I'm counting the words that I haven't said,

'Cause you will never know what I've been through,

And you should be a little more gentle with me.

I can't fucking cope.

I can't. I simply can't.

I don't know what to do with myself... with this body.

I want to leave.

When I hit my head at the game, it's like the memories were injected back in. And holy shit, do I wish they didn't.

I know what happened now... I remember it all.

It's so graphic, so real, so present in my thoughts right now... it's an on going movie playing in my head. Except it's not just based on a true story... it is my true story.

All the nightmares I've been having... they're not a creation of my imagination... they never were. They happened to me.

I can't wrap my mind around it. But I can't stop fucking thinking about it.

It makes me sick to my stomach... everything that happened. But I can't even properly put it into words... I can't, I literally just can't. Because sick to my stomach is downplaying it so, so much.

Everything... it's slowly becoming even clearer. All the missing pierces are coming back. About what happened that night. When I was "unconscious".

I can't stop hearing it. Over and over again.

The screaming in my mind I so badly wanted to say out loud but physically couldn't. "stop touching me", "you're hurting me", "I don't want you", "leave me alone", "somebody help me.".

Every time I think about it, which is literally all the time, it's like I'm reliving the desperation of being unable to say the words out loud. Like I'm reliving the fear of being touched like that... Like I'm reliving how much I didn't want to be alive in that moment.

People can take away everything from you. You can be left with nothing in life, but one thing that you'll always have no matter what is yourself and your own body. 

That's where you'll live forever. That's where you're stuck until your very last breath. So it's meant to be something only you decide what happens with. Only you have power over it. You are in full control. That's how it should be.

That's not what happened that night.

And I think it goes without saying that it is one of the most terrifying things one can go through... Losing power over the one thing only you should have power over.

It was terrifying. Absolutely, utterly terrifying... 

Being unconscious, being in such a powerless, vulnerable position... it leaves a door open for literally anything to happen... and it did. Some really horrible things did happen.