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chapter 40: i'm sorry.

Sorry can't save me now,

Sorry I don't know how,

Sorry there's no way out.

But down.

**Noah's POV**

Impulse.

Something I've struggled with my whole life.

Doing things without really thinking them through. It's a problem. It has gotten me into so much trouble.

Whenever I'm mad, sad or nervous, something bad happens. Each time. I always decide to do reckless dumb shit.

That's how it's been my whole life.

This time was different tho. Impulse got me to do something great.

I mean... if you can consider anything great despite me being absolutely mad terrified right now.

But anyway.

The other night I was laying in my bed, trying to stay away from drinking or doing drugs just for one night, and, of course, that led me to my other drug, the other thing I'm deeply addicted to.

Sky.

I couldn't stop thinking about her, I never do. And it had been driving me crazy again for a few days, since she had the accident, to stay away from her... not that I ever wanted to be away from her, not even at the top of my rage, deep down, I didn't want to.

But it gotten worse ever since the thought of losing her seemed like a possibility.

I can't begin to process how that made me feel... I just can't ever think about her suffering, hurting, not being at the best she could possibly be.

If I ever even dream someone hurts her, it's over for them... like, actually, especially if they catch me in the middle of a manic episode... I'd run for my life.

I wanted to hit whoever or whatever could be hold accountable for her fall the other night, but she literally just fell, there was no one to blame, apparently.

Thankfully she came out of it with a few stitches in her forehead, but nothing much, otherwise I'd be... I don't even know what I'd be... I was going to say lost, but I am lost anyways.

But as I was saying, staying away from her got even more difficult... since I accepted that I simply could not hate her... I loved her like before.

I saw her the other day, sitting on the grass, by herself, under the sun, and I couldn't help myself. I had to go over to her.

She seemed so alone and so vulnerable. Her eyes were closed but there was this frown in her face, as if whatever she was thinking about was torturing her.

Then she opened her eyes. And saw me.

And confusion just brushed over her entire face. She probably thinks I'm crazy. Hell, I also think I'm crazy.

But as we said a few meaningless words to each other, she seemed to let that tortured frown go... she seemed to relax.

And I did too. Those few minutes of being by her side were... good. They felt good.

I am not sure why my brain is unable to process what happened between us. It's unable to see her in a different light even now that everything is so different.

I can't hate her.

I can't even love her less.

I can't stop wanting to be by her side. I can't stop wanting to protect her, to make her happy. She is my worst vice to date. Probably the worst vice I'll ever have.