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chapter 32: halloween, pt.3.

What am I now?

What am I now?

What if I'm someone I don't want around?

I'm falling again.

What if I'm down?

What if I'm out?

What if I'm someone you wont talk about?

I'm falling again.

It took me forever to realize I was falling in love, but the feeling I'm feeling right now... it came so fast and that just goes to show that pain is much more easily understood than pleasure.

Maybe it's me. I'm the problem.

Because I know damn well what I'm feeling... I know pain very well.

I'm so heartbroken.

So sad.

So mad.

I have no fucking clue on what I'm supposed to do next besides crying.

The thing is I love Noah. And that's the issue. I don't want to, but I do.

If I didn't, if I was okay with us not being exclusive, if I didn't want every single fiber of his body for myself, then I couldn't give less of a shit if he was fucking someone else. But I can't like this. I can't after what we promised each other.

I want to say I hate him. I don't think I do. But I should.

He took my love and destroyed it. He couldn't do that. I shouldn't have trusted him. I shouldn't have loved him.

I should've known better, the way I always did: love is fucked up.

So now I'm not falling in love anymore. I'm just falling. More so like falling apart.

I thought maybe this time could be different than any other love story. He could be different. But I guess I was wrong. Really wrong.

The tears haven't stopped and I've been sitting here for god knows how long now.

I hate this feeling. I'm genuinely hopelessly sad.

It's unlike anything I've ever felt. It's not that I'm sad, period. No. I'm devastated, I feel betrayed, robbed. I feel like... like I'll never be the same... It's a different type of sad.

My brain, my heart... had gotten used to the idea that my happiness would be shared with him, for at least a long time, so not having him, feels like not having a piece of myself.

It's not like I'm sad... it's like I'm incomplete.

I had never felt pain like this before.

I shouldn't have come to this party, I really shouldn't.

And I hate this feeling. I feel so dumb for feeling this, but I feel like I won't ever love anyone the way I do Noah. Did. The way I did Noah.

For what? 2 fucking days. This is ridiculous and dumb.

But it's how I feel.

Maybe it's just what everyone says. That after you break up with someone you feel like the world is ending. Like no one else will ever compare to that person, you'll never love anyone the way you loved them.