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chapter 20: "that's enough for now".

Quand il me prend dans ses bras,

Il me parle tout bas,

Je vois la vie en rose.

"I ubered here earlier just so you could pick me up now, so I expect at least some punctuality, sir." I say jokingly through the phone as I walk outside the stadium.

"Jesus, I'm almost there. Spoiled brat. LA people... all the same." Noah answers joking just as much and I hang up. 

Two minutes later I see his now black car arriving right in front of me.

"This is why you left me here waiting for..." I look at my nonexistent watch. "...almost two minutes?"

"Yeah." He dryly says and then smiles. "Shut up and come in."

I do just that and kiss him lightly once I'm inside the car. "It looks really nice."

"I thought about painting it red like yours, but I feel like that would be a little to couply." It would be sweet, maybe?

"Agreed." I quickly say. "Although cute." I later add and look down.

I feel him looking at me as he puts his hand on my thigh and his touch makes me feel butterflies. "I can still do that, yeah?"

I look up to him nodding and smile. "Yeah." 

He is too sweet to me. Really. To the point that I know for a fact I don't deserve it.

I know I don't deserve him.

"Where are we going? I'm starving." I really am. It's past eight and I just got out of practice. 

I'll sleep at Noah's house again today. 

No, I'm not having another crisis... He invited me this time.

Plus, my parents are back tomorrow so I'm enjoying the last bit of utter freedom.

And I can't really think about a better way to do that than by his side.

I've done a lot of thinking. And I've come to a few conclusions. 

About Noah, about what I feel for him. I've decided to stop thinking about it so much. Like, for example. Yes, I care for him. More and more. And what about it? Yes, I don't feel like having sex with anyone else but him, though that's not what we had agreed to. And what about it?

I just want to be present. To live this to the fullest. To enjoy it to the fullest, without having to overthink every last bit.

Especially because my favourite thing about our thing is how free it makes me feel. How light... How simple it is. And I feel like if I do start to question everything about it, it will just lose that beauty. And I obviously don't want it to.

As far as the rest goes... the ruining people part, although Brook has told me he doesn't in fact think that, the whole Jorja, Campbell situation, Violet, etc... I'm just... clueless **emoji with the cowboy hat**. Ha. Ha. 

I want to talk to V, but I haven't found the words yet. I keep trying to reach out to Jorja, but no luck, Campbell... is Campbell, I don't know what to tell you.

And I'm just... out here. Trying to live life. With a clear head, I don't think I'm a selfish person. Or at least most times. Do I sometimes do selfish things? Yes, as everyone does. I think I do what I want without feeling the need to ask permission to others. But that's not a bad thing. Every woman should do so.