Alive? | Stray Kids | ✓

Chapter 22

They wouldn't notice. Would they?

Of course they won't. They don't even care about you.

But.. I can't. I need to help Jimin.

Well why can't you help him and cut at the same time?

I hesitated. The voice had a point.  I slowly reached for the knives and grabbed one of them. I let out a huge breath as my hands wrapped around it. The door was closed, my sleeves were rolled up and blood was dripping down. For every cut i had made i would push deeper into my skin. The voice in my head gave me a list of how i'm useless.

One cut for being stupid

2 cuts for being ugly

2 cuts for being fat

5 cuts for not helping Jimin

6 cuts for being a burden

4 cuts for still being alive right now

8 cuts for not killing your self right now.

I had made a total of 28 cuts on my left arm, all of them gushing out blood. I lifted my arm up  and watched as the blood flowed out of the cuts and drips down onto the floor. I sighed.

I deserve this.

I closed my eyes and relaxed. I just wanted all the pain to go away. All my problems, my pain, all the things i have done... I wished for it to go away.

"Seungmin!" Someone knocked on the door.

My heart was beating way too fast. My mind was racing. I was shocked. I didn't lock the door?!

I remembered my cuts. I hadn't really treated them yet . I pushed down my sleeve and grabbed all the knives and hid them.

"Seungmin?" I recognized the voice. It was Han. "I'm coming in!"

I watched as the door knob turned and i rushed to find something to hide the blood on the floor. I threw a couple of blankets and shirts, so it would seem like it was just a pile of dirty stuff.

The door was completely open, and Han was staring right at me.

"Seungmin? What is that?" He pointed to my arm.

"Huh? What are you talking about?" I lied.

He started to walk towards me which almost gave me a heart attack, since my heart was beating way too fast.

I took a step back, and asked "What are you doing?"

Han grabbed my wrist that was cut. My blood had immediately soaked into my sleeve. It was noticeable but luckily Han didn't see it.

"Han!" Woojin yelled from the kitchen.

Han looked back and muttered something under his breath. He let go and i hid it with my other hand. He kept on glancing back at me until he exited the room. I ran over, closed the door and locked it. A huge sigh was let out. Han has not noticed. Looking into my closet, I realized that i needed to wash most of them, which was convenient, since it was laundry day, and i needed to wash the blood stains off my sleeve and clothes.

I changed into a navy sweater and grey sweatpants and grabbed everything i needed to have and walked to the laundry room.

While it was washing, i headed back and went to the kitchen.

"Hey." I hear a deep voice behind me.

"Hey Felix." I said not even looking back.

He sat down next to me and sighed. I glanced over. His head rested on his hands. There was a water bottle next to him. I could see that he was stressed. I wanted to comfort him but i just didn't know how.

"Are you ok?" I asked. It wasn't really a good start to a conversation, in my opinion, but it was good enough.

He glanced over. "Yeah."

"Well you don't look okay." I said.

"I'm just tired." Felix said.

"Is that it?" I asked

"Yes."

I didn't believe him. He must be hiding something. I kept on glancing at him, but he noticed me. I could see a annoyed face. He got up and walked away.

He hates me.

I regretted talking to him. To be honest? I regret everything. Everything i had ever done, i regret. Sometimes i think. Would Jeongin still be here if I was never in this group? Would Jeongin be happier without me? Would everyone here be happier without me? The fans seem to favor the others more than me.

All these though made me mad. I slammed my fist down onto the table. I got up not even pushing in my chair, and walked back to my bed.

I stared at the multiple thin red slits on my wrist. Bad evil thoughts were now invading my mind. This time I checked and the door was actually locked. I removed the rest of my bandages. My hand gripped the knife, that was brought down onto my wrist without hesitation. 

I don't know how long I had been cutting, or how many cuts i had given myself, but it was a lot. A huge red gash was on my wrist. Small cuts littered my whole entire arm. Blood wouldn't stop flowing out of my arm. My left arm was full of red cuts, while my right arm was pale white, with a couple of scars. I laid there wishing i could die. I grabbed the gauze and treated my arm. I put on an oversized long sleeved shirt and cleaned up.

"Hey Seungmin." Han knocked on the door.

My heart started to beat fast. I slowly and quietly tip toed to my bed. I tried my best to not make a sound. I slipped into my warm blankets and pretended to sleep.

"Seungmin?" Han called putting again.

A couple of minutes had passed and I finally hear Hans footsteps walk away. I felt relieved. I made a mental note in my head, to stay alert for Han. I had a feeling that he knew. I felt warm in my blankets so i didn't feel like getting up. I stayed in place in my comfortable spot. I felt my eyes grow heavy as sleep was about to take over. The moment i fully shut my eyes, i drifted off to sleep.

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