Be More Chill (And A Few Dear Evan Hansen) One Shots!

Unloved- Michael Angst

T.W: Suicide (this is such a change for me, lol), panic attack, and mentions of depression and anxiety.

Michael angst

*Michael's P.O.V.*

      Well. My life has officially gone to shit. After Jeremy and Christine got together, he just... stopped talking to me... again. Because it was always about Christine. Who cares about the stoner who rides the P.T. Cruiser?

     So here I am. Holding a bottle full of pain killers that my mom was prescribed a couple days ago. I chuckle. I remember texting Jeremy a bunch of random shit. I told him I was in the hospital because I overdosed as a joke. I never thought I would get here though.

     I uncap the bottle, and pour out a handful into my palm. I start counting each one, by every negative thing about me.

Weak.

One.

Undeserving.

Two.

Geek.

Three.

Horrible.

Four.

Slob.

Five.

Terrible.

Six.

Loser.

I wince. I hate that word. Seven.

Unloved.

Eight. (I don't know how much you need to take to overdose, and frankly, I don't want to do that research. So we're just gonna deal with this amount.)

     I swallow them dry, but instantly regret it as they run down my throat. This is me giving up I guess. Jeremy is not the only reason I'm quitting, its also my anxiety, depression, loneliness, stress and school work that's just clawing at me. I just want it to stop.

     There's three suicide notes. Two for each of my moms, and one for Jeremy. Including my confession.

     I sigh. There's not much I can do well I wait. My moms' are at work, but I could call Jeremy. Hear his voice one last time... if he even answers. I doubt he'd make me regret this. He'd probably make me want this process to go by quicker. Without thinking about it more, I pick up my phone and call Jeremy.

     I was about to hang up after the 4th ring, too familiar with this pain to start crying again, but then I heard a click.

"Michael? What's up?"

     Fuck. I honestly wasn't thinking he would answer.

"I-I... I just wanted to hear your voice I guess."

     I mean... I was kind of telling the truth?

Jeremy chuckled, "Just when I thought you couldn't sound any gayer Michael."

     His laugh. I would miss his laugh.

"Why did you really call me?"

"Uh... I..."

     What do I say?!

"Can you just... talk? Please?"

"Umm... sure? But when I'm done you have to tell me what's going on."

"Y-yeah. Okay."

     Why does he even care?!

"So, I recently broke up with Christine."

"What?! Why?!"

"I realized I liked someone else."

     My eyes widened. He did recently come out as bi... what if its a guy? What if its me?! I shake my head. There's no way. Besides, I'm about to die anyways.

"Y'know Michael, I also realized that I haven't been hanging out with you recently, either. I missed you."

     That. That's what broke me. So many times I wanted, no, needed to hear him say that. But he has to wait 'till now? Now... oh god what have I done? A choked sob escapes my lips. Now, now I'm going to die, when Jeremy still wanted me. I regret this. I shouldn't have done this. I'm going to die! I can't die!

"Michael? What's wrong?"

"F-fuck you Jeremy. Fuck you for making me r-r-regret this," I yell.

"Woah, Michael, what's going on? Tell me what's going on."

"I... I'm gonna die Jer. I'm gonna die. Pills. Too many. I'm gonna die."

     I was having a full blown panic attack right now. Breathing heavily, shaking, rocking back and forth, sobbing. I didn't want to die. Not yet.

"Oh... oh my god Micha. You... I'm on my way, okay? I'm gonna hang up so I can call 911, alright? Stay. Awake. I'll be there in a minute."

"O-okay. Hurry. Please," my voice broke.

"I will," he hung up.

     I don't want to die. I don't want to be alone. I just want Jeremy here with me.

Unloved.
Unloved.
Unloved.

"Michael?! Michael are you in your room?!"

     Wow. That was shorter than I thought.

"Jer. Here. Help," I cry out.

     He ran into the room, tears streaming down his face, and hair messy and unkempt. His eyes. I've never seen his gorgeous blue eyes so sad. I don't deserve that much emotion.

     He scooped me up in his lap, and started to play with my hair. I held onto him like this was the last hug I would ever give. Because... it probably would be.

"They'll be here in two minutes Micha, okay? Stay awake."

     I nod my head, and he looks at me. I felt so tired.

"Why..." his voice broke.

     Confession time. Here we go.

"I felt so lonely and stressed, and it was all about Christine. You never took the time to consider that maybe I loved you."

     His breathing hitched, and he held onto me tighter.

"I broke up with Christine... so I could be with you."

     I groaned.

"I'm such an idiot."

"No. No you're not."

"Jer... I... I'm so tired."

"No. Don't you dare fall asleep on me."

     I felt my eyelids drop.

"Michael! Don't do this to me! I can't lose you! Don't... don't you fucking leave me," his voice wavered.

     Jeremy sounded almost... distant. My ears started ringing, I couldn't open my eyes, my body felt limp. No, that's not right. I just couldn't feel anything. Then... everything went dark.

  

     But then everything brightened. There was an annoying, constant beep as my eyes slowly opened to meet bright blue ones. Maybe, I wasn't so unloved after all.

I couldn't end with him dyinggggggg Ahhhhh. Okay. No more angst for a while. I wanted to try angst, but its really not working for me. Suicide kind of stuff really triggers me, so I'll be avoiding that for a while too. Sorry not sorry. Anyways, I'll be publishing again soon. Love you guys!
Bi my queers!
Your flaming, awkward, not-so-straight writer,
                                              -Cecy
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