Andante

XII

He hadn't seen Brett to the door today. He knew he couldn't face his mum without giving away that something was very, very wrong. He heard Brett from downstairs, talking politely to his mother about the busking, and then he heard the front door close behind him. 
And he was alone.
The first sob took him by surprise. He'd thought he could keep it together better than that, but grief was everywhere, pouring out of every cell in his body. He lay down on his bed and curled up in fetal position, helpless against the onslaught of emotions. 
He tried to be quiet, but he'd never been this sad in his life, apart from when his dad... 
No. That wasn't something he was going to think about now. 
So there was just this moment. He'd finally wanted to kiss someone, but that someone was a boy. 
And he knew now that he'd fallen in love with him. If there existed such a thing as a soul mate, Brett would be his. But he couldn't be with him, and he'd just have to fake being just his friend until he made it. 
The thought brought on a new round of tears, and he clutched his duvet, moist with his tears, to him as if it would bring him some help. 
He heard his door open and someone sat on the bed. 
He knew he should push her away, tell her to mind her own business, he was fine. But he was too sad, so he lifted his head into his mum's lap and let himself be stroked by her as he cried. 
¨Son¨, his mum said softly after a while, still stroking his cheek. ¨What happened? Did you fight? Did something go wrong?¨
He took a deep breath, willing the sobbing to stop. 
¨No mum, we didn't fight.¨ he said, his voice soft, thick with the tears. 
His brain feverishly tried to think of something he could say, something that wouldn't be suspicious. He could only think of one thing, and it was a mean one to use. 
He had no choice though. 
¨I don't really want to talk about it, mum, it would just make you sad.¨ he said, eventually. 
He looked up at her through his eyelashes and she nodded knowingly. 
He realised straight away that he had actually found a very good thing to say. She would think it was about his dad, but he hadn't lied. 
They sat there for the longest time, his head in his mum's lap with his mum stroking his cheek and his hair softly. He couldn't remember when he'd last been this close to his mum. It was... it was nice. 
In the end it was his mum who broke the silence.
¨Come on, let's make some Kung Pao Chicken, okay?¨  
He smiled through his tears. 
¨That sounds good. Thank you, mum.¨
He sat up and rubbed his eyes. 
¨When will Brett be here again?¨ his mum asked suddenly. ¨He seems like a nice boy.¨
It was a testament to his willpower that he didn't start crying again at the mention of Brett's name. 
¨Soon, I think¨, he said, faking a smile. ¨We had a lovely time. We've decided we're going to be best friends.¨
She smiled, clearly finding this a good idea. 
Oh, mum, if only you knew... 
The words floated around in his head. But she didn't know, and he was going to get his act together. 
He got up and walked over to the sink to splash some water in his face. 
Making Kung Pao Chicken sounded like just the thing to take his mind off Brett and what they had done this afternoon.