Andante

LXXVIII

Eddy couldn't remember ever having been more confused than he was right now, walking into that big building, following the others through the greyness of the corridors to their dressing room. 
Now that the thought had entered his head it wasn't so easy to shake it anymore. A vivid mental picture of what it would be like if he could just hold Brett's hand, if he could just put his head on Brett's shoulder whenever he wanted to had pushed itself into his brain and wouldn't allow itself to be discarded so easily now. 
Because he knew that was what they could so very simply have been doing all along, if only one of them had been a girl, right?
It was wrong, it was all wrong on so many levels. 
But what could he do? Nothing had changed. He knew what his mum thought. He knew what Brett's parents thought too. 

Could there be a way, a different way, that would still be safe? Or would there come a point where he just didn't care about safety anymore?
They sat side by side in the plush seats under the stage, their hands furtively touching under the arm rest as they listened to the orchestra, Eddy so deep in thought he hardly heard them. He had to shake himself up when the break came, because he knew that the orchestra members would come to talk to them.
But they never left each other's side. 
All through the break they chatted and bantered, standing right next to each other the whole time.
Then they sat on the stage and rehearsed, and even there Eddy always felt him. Just there, ready for him to touch whenever he so desired. It was so, so nice to have him close as his head and his heart raced and he tried to make sense of it all, while simultaneously trying to hit some right notes of the Mendelssohn. The whole thing made his head hurt, but at least he knew he wasn't alone. Brett was right there.

It was only as they spent the afternoon wandering around, just like they had yesterday, that Eddy relaxed a bit, and let go. Of course he knew very well that the reprieve would be temporary; he'd definitely have more to think about later. But he really wanted to try and enjoy the day as it happened.
"Hey, you okay?" Brett asked him softly while they followed the other two onto the grass field with their bottles of coke and their bags of crisps.
"Yeah bro, I'm fine!" he said, too chipper even to his own ears.
Somehow he didn't think he was fooling Brett at all. But he wanted them all to have a nice day, so he didn't say anything and allowed the group's atmosphere and friendship to take him along. He sat down on the grass, crossed his legs and smiled at the other three boys. 

And it had been a great afternoon, really. He knew he'd have a good evening to look forward to as well, as they walked into the hotel as a group to go to the dinner buffet. But the thoughts and the confusion were back in full force now, they had flooded into him again with every passing block in the taxi, and by now Eddy felt like he was trying to keep a herd of wild wildebeest contained within him. 

And then suddenly, just like that, he knew that he would break. He would break, because all of  this shit was just too much for one boy to deal with. And nobody needed to see that. 
So he made a quick decision. 
"Brett, I'm just going up to the room to freshen up and stuff, okay? Just stay here, I'll be down in ten?"
Brett eyed him suspiciously, and Eddy wondered if he saw right through him. He probably did, but then again he was also the most respectful guy in the world. So he simply said 'okay' and gave him the key card. 
Eddy turned around quickly and walked to the lift, trying to keep appearing as if everything was fine, but the tears were burning behind his eyes. He just needed... he just needed to be alone for this. 
Then maybe he could finally make sense of it all.