Andante

LXXV

He really was feeling all the feels, sitting at the same dinner table as yesterday with his friends.
He was exhilarated, because the rehearsal had gone so well, and he was glowing because of how lovely the afternoon had been. Then he was still feeling the lingering sadness, the last traces of panic from how worried he had been, and the confusion. Because really he still had no idea where to go from here. And he was nervous. God, he was so nervous, because they would be going upstairs soon enough, and it would be just them. Would Brett be okay? Would they hug again?
Oh, he did hope they'd hug again. Nothing beat those warm, loving embraces they shared. Nothing in the world.
He glanced at Brett a few times, but he seemed okay at the moment. He was talking and laughing quite normally and he was eating his stir fry. Also, Eddy was aware that Brett's upper leg was very, very close to his own.
Maybe Brett needed his closeness as much as he himself did?

The clock rang eleven before he knew it.
"Right, lads, tomorrow night I say we go out, right?" Todd said with his usual bravado. "But for now maybe we should be good little boys and turn in?"
Eddy laughed. "Sure thing, Todd. You do know I'm sixteen, right? I'm not allowed into any clubs or anything."
Todd shrugged, noncommittally. "We'll see about that, Eddy."
They travelled up in the lift, exactly like they had the night before, but Eddy now felt this giant uncertainty even more keenly. He was starting to understand that, despite what they'd decided this morning, 'normal' was a very hard thing to find in this situation.
By the time Brett was looking for the key card to open their door his heart was hammering in his throat, and he berated himself silently.
Shit, mate, didn't you make a decision this morning? Fucking stick to it, then!
But his heart wasn't feeling it.

They were awkward around each other, their normal easy report AWOL, and they clumsily gave the other one space to get changed and get ready in the bathroom.
And worse of all, Brett was quiet and broody again, and he slid into bed without many words.
Eddy lay down in his own bed, waiting to see if Brett would say anything, but he never did.
"You okay, Brett?" he asked, at last, when he couldn't take the silence anymore.
"Sure, Eddy." Brett answered straight away, but his tone was flat again. "Good night."
Eddy shook his head morosely and then he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling in the dim light. Brett was awake too, he knew.
Of course he was.
God, what should he do now? What could he do to make it all better?

Suddenly he remembered something else Todd had said that afternoon.
'Maybe you should consider following your heart, and not your head, one day. I know it's not so simple in your situation, but still, Eddy.'
He sighed deeply, so deeply it seemed to reach his toes, and from somewhere within came a new resolve to do just what Todd said: to follow his heart. He shut down his head angrily.
Fat lot of good all this thinking and rationality had done them. Brett was clearly sad.
He had to stop Brett from being sad.
So he pushed back the sheet brusquely and got up, taking the two steps to Brett's bed, and slid under the covers without a word.
He heard Brett's startled intake of breath, but then Brett turned on his right side and pulled Eddy close to him, snuggling him into the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply.
"Let's just not think, for tonight, okay?" Eddy whispered into Brett's neck. "It doesn't seem to be doing us much good."
He felt Brett's smile, and then he felt him nodding slowly.
"You're right, my lovely Eddy. It's not."

They didn't say anything else anymore, they just lay there, feeling the tension of the last couple of days dissolve.
And as Eddy drifted off into sleep he knew one thing, one thing for absolutely certain: when he could be with Brett like this, there was really nothing else he needed in the world.