Andante

XLVIII

All throughout dinner and the ensuing teacher concert Eddy's mind was racing, trying to put everything in place. He knew, as he sat in his red seat, that something in him was profoundly different. He also knew that there was no way he'd be able to go back to the way he had been before: all that guilt, all that worry about being 'wrong', somehow... it was gone, just... gone. He could feel the empty space still, the shadow that it had left behind in his chest, and he could feel the relief as well. The relief that spread through him with every breath he took, that made him feel lighter, more whole, somehow. 
But what he didn't know, what he didn't understand, was what this meant. What should he do now? His situation hadn't changed. His mum would still have his head if she ever found out, just like Brett's parents would have his. 
What did he make now, of his mum feeling that way? 
He shook his head softly. He knew exactly why she felt that way of course: she felt that way because that was what she had been taught herself, and there had never been any reason for her to see it differently. Was it now up to him to make her see differently? If it was, he knew that that would not be an easy process.
The applause startled him. Shit! Was that really the end of the concert already? Where had the time gone?
Brett gave him a little squeeze under the armrest and smiled at him.
¨You okay, bro?¨
¨Yeah, I'm fine.¨

They walked back to their room quite early, that night. They'd sat with their group in the common room for a little bit, and at one point Brett had joined Todd when he went to the restroom. Eddy was dying to know how that particular conversation had gone, but also he simply wanted to be alone with Brett. He knew what he wanted to say to him, now. 

¨Did your talk with Todd go okay?¨ he asked as soon as they sat down on their respective beds, their door closed safely behind them, shutting out the rest of the world. 
Brett smiled.
¨You caught that, did you? We only talked for a brief moment, I told him I knew and I'd support him. He said...¨ he looked at Eddy meaningfully. ¨He said you'd really helped him.¨
Eddy couldn't stop the smile that spread on his face. 
Oh Yes! He'd helped Todd! 
¨How are you feeling now, Eddy?¨ Brett asked him. ¨You were very pensive tonight.¨
¨Erm, different.¨ Eddy said, very honestly. ¨Really, really different. It's like the guilt has just gone away.¨
Brett's eyes widened slightly.
¨You know, mine went as well, a while ago. I figured: this is who I am.¨
Eddy nodded. ¨Yeah. But... the situation at home is still the same.¨
¨I know. But they're wrong.¨
¨I know.¨
Suddenly Eddy moved to sit next to Brett and he put a hand on Brett's thigh. 
¨Brett, I... I know that when we go back home we'll have to go back to the way things were before this camp. But I like that they're different now.¨
He hadn't expected Brett's eyes to shine as much as they did when he answered.
¨I know, Eddy, and that will suck. But I like that they're different now too. I like that a whole lot.¨
Eddy took a deep breath. This time, he'd thought about it. This time, he knew the risks, but he was willing to take them head on. He would deal with any heart ache. This time it wouldn't happen accidentally and there would be no guilt. This time he knew exactly what he wanted.
¨Bretty, can I kiss you now?¨