Andante

LXXIII

Todd shot him a look as he made his way out of the auditorium with Brett by his side and Eddy was instantly grateful to him, because he knew what the look meant: it meant 'take all the time you need, we'll stay here'. 
So he headed straight for the dressing room, neither one of them speaking. Brett followed him in and closed the door behind him, watching Eddy wearily as he sat down on the edge of the faded grey couch in the corner of the room and looked down at his feet.
Seriously. What was he going to say? I mean, what did you say, knowing the next words you'd hear could change your entire life?
¨Are... are you okay, Brett? What's going on?¨
He was well aware how lame this sounded, but it was all he had. 
He felt the swift movement beside him as Brett sat down on the couch as well. 
¨Have I freaked you out, Eddy?¨
The tone in Brett's voice made him look up at once. Shit! He sounded flat, he didn't sound like himself at all. 
¨Shit, Brett, please tell me what's going on with you!¨ 

Now it was Brett's turn to look down at his feet and he was silent for the longest moment. When he finally did speak again his voice was soft, and it still had that worrying flatness oozing out of it. 
¨I'm sorry Eddy. I didn't mean to worry you. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't... I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what to do.¨
Eddy's lip started to quiver now. He'd come to the moment where he had to ask. He simply couldn't wait any longer, but he felt every muscle in his body tense up as he spoke. 
¨Are you... Brett, are you no longer feeling the same about me? Just tell me if you are, please.¨
His voice shot up a fifth on the last word, and he could no longer stop the tears that flowed unabated down his cheeks. 
But when he looked up at Brett all he saw was shock. Brett put both his hands on Eddy's thighs and he was suddenly very close. 
¨Jesus Christ, Eddy, that's what you thought?¨ 
Eddy just nodded, not even attempting to wipe away the tears. 
¨Oh my God, Eddy, I'm so sorry!" Brett sounded as shocked as he looked. "No, of course that's not true. I love you, Eddy, with all my heart. I just...¨

Eddy heard his words and he felt his sincerity, but he couldn't be relieved, not yet, and he sat breathlessly waiting for Brett to carry on.
¨Shit Eddy, I didn't want to burden you with this. But now... now I see that that's had the opposite effect and I'm so sorry. It's just... I'll be honest, I've been struggling. I think we've both known what this week could mean and I want that so bad, but... Eddy, I just don't think I can kiss you now and do what we did at AYO and then go back to normal again. I'm not fifteen anymore and I just don't know if I have it in me anymore, and it's weighing on me so, so much.¨
Now the relief coursed through Eddy's system and he sagged visibly, almost falling off the couch, as all the tense muscles relaxed at once. Brett held his legs tight, his eyes imploring him. 
¨Eddy, you've got to believe me.¨
Then Eddy nodded. 
¨Of course I believe you. God, Brett, I... look, I've been wondering the same thing and we've been idiots for not talking about this sooner.¨  

They were quiet for the longest time. Eddy put his own hands over Brett's on his thighs and they sat there, together, trying to make sense of it all.  
¨Where... ¨Brett broke the silence. ¨Okay, so where do we go from here?¨
Eddy breathed in and tried to calm himself enough to answer. 
¨I guess... well, I guess we carry on the way we have been until we know?¨
Brett nodded, but Eddy could see the moisture in his eyes. And he knew with all his heart that Brett did want him. Maybe Brett even wanted him as much as he wanted Brett. But he also knew that Brett was right. It would be so hard, too hard to go back to normal if they got together again... and he just couldn't face that, he couldn't face that any more than Brett could. He wasn't fourteen anymore either, after all... so they were doing the right thing by waiting, at least until they knew how to carry on from here. 
¨Can we... can we still hug? Do you think?¨ Brett asked him quietly.
Eddy nodded vehemently. ¨Yes. Absolutely.¨
They could give themselves that, at least. 
Brett nodded again. ¨Okay. Look, Eddy, I'm really sorry for freaking you out like this.¨
¨Don't worry about it, I'm just relieved, okay?¨
¨Okay.¨
Eddy got up and extended his arms, a clear invitation, and it only took Brett half a second to get up and fall into his arms as if he were everything. As if he were the world.