Andante

CLIV

It went wrong on the very first run, already. A mistake, just a small mistake, but the knowledge that the people who would be watching this video would know it was there made him shrink where he stood. He stopped and looked apologetically at Steven. 
"I'm so sorry. Can we start again?"
He blinked and glanced at Lily, who was over by the mirror with the camera in her hand. She had an encouraging smile on her face and she raised her thumb in that old 'you got this!' gesture. 
It only made him feel smaller. I mean, fuck it! He shouldn't need people to encourage him? He was almost seventeen. He should be able to cope with a recording of a piece he'd played a million times. 
He looked at Steven again, with resolve, and they started from the top.
This time the mistake came three bars in. He stopped again, lowered his violin and scrunched his eyes shut. 
Brett's voice was soft but it penetrated the whole space. 
"Eddy, my love, just play it through. It doesn't matter if it's perfect, God knows mine wasn't."
Something in Brett's tone made him look up. Brett had done great, hadn't he? I mean... there'd been a couple of minor things, but that was always going to happen, no? He had rocked. 
If Brett can do it, I can do it. If Brett can do it, I can do it.  
The thought was feverish, even if he didn't really believe it right now, and he started repeating the words in his head like the saddest mantra in the world.
If Brett can do it, I can do it. 
"Okay. From the top." he said then. "I won't stop this time."
It was enough that he was fucking this up. He didn't have to waste everyone's time, too, did he now? 

He lifted his bow again, breathed in and played, and he didn't come up for air until he had played the finishing chord. Then he blinked and opened up his gaze to the room. He shook his head slightly, bitterly. There had been mistakes, many more mistakes than was comfortable, and he knew all the little points where his bow hadn't quite caught the string as well as he would have liked. All the moments where he'd been just that little bit out of tune. 
His ears didn't miss that, and neither would Richard Petti's, he was sure. 
No way he was getting in like this. He wanted to curl up in a corner of the studio and cry. 

"That was awesome, Eddy!" Brett said, very close to his face. He had made his way over to him and was looking at him enthusiastically. 
Eddy didn't understand the enthusiasm. He knew full well how hard he'd sucked. So he just nodded. 
Brett put his hand on Eddy's shoulder. "It really was, Eddy. Don't doubt it."
Eddy nodded again. He would have loved to try again, maybe play it fifty more times until he finally got one right, but he could barely breathe, by now. He knew it wouldn't make it any better. His only hope now was that by some miracle Richard Petti would remember him from Perth and invite him based on that. 
"I'm just going toilet, okay?" he whispered, and he almost ran out of the door. Lily was already starting to pack up the equipment. 
Eddy ran into the booth and locked the door. Then he sat down on the closed lid and buried his face in his hands. 
Come on, mate. Keep it the fuck together. You can cry if you want, at home. Not in front of these people, who've tried their best for you. 
He sighed deeply and dusted off the old game face. Yeah. There was no need for Brett to see this. Really, no need. So he was just going to go back there and smile and thank Lily and Steven, give them the chocolate his mother had bought for him to give them, and then he was going to ride home with Brett like he was fine. 
Just like everything was perfectly fine.