Famous In Love

31

Clarke was sitting around her kitchen table. Staring in front of her with a cup of damping coffee heating her hands. She didn't get any sleep yesterday. She only dozed off once and that ended up with a nightmare. The horror she tried to avoid had finally found a way to form an image in her head. She stood on Big Tujunga Canyon Road, darkness surrounding her.  The sound of crickets and owls was the only sound she heard. For a moment she thought she was alone until she saw a light coming towards her. It blinded her at first, she couldn't see what it was until she heard the sound of a bicycle bell. She recognized the contours of a man. "Dad?" She asked but Jake didn't hear it because he kept on cycling without giving his daughter any look. Clarke saw how he passed her and she knew to what this would lead. "No. NO! Dad stop!" Clarke said while she started to run after him but she was too slow because she saw two headlight coming right at them. She stopped running to not get hit herself but her dad didn’t stop and got hit by the car before it crashed into the tree. She saw how he got swinged on the windshield and fell of the car, face covered in cuts and blood. She ran towards him and shouted at him to move but he didn’t. She couldn’t feel his pulse and bursted out in tears. When she looked up at the car, she froze when she recognized the face behind the steering wheel. Lexa was sitting there, not a scratch. Her face was unreadable while she looked Clarke right in the eyes. 
The sound of a doorbell made Clarke snap out of the memories she had of her dream. She didn’t move at first, hoping the person would leave by themself but unfortunately the doorbell kept on ringing so she had no other choice than to get up and see who it was. “Who’s there?” Clarke asked first to make sure she didn’t open her door for a total stranger. “It’s me. Octavia.” Clarke opened the door and she saw Octavia in front of her. Clarke could see the pity in her eyes and knew she knew. She didn’t have to think long to find out how. “Lincoln told you.” Clarke guessed and she walked back inside, leaving the door open so Octavia would follow inside and she did. “Lexa called him to tell him while he was with me.” Octavia said and Clarke just nodded while she took her cup of coffee in her hands again. “It was pretty sad.” Octavia continued when Clarke didn’t say anything. “Yeah, sure.” Clarke said with dead voice and Octavia could tell she was being sarcastic. “They didn’t ask for this, Clarke. They didn’t know.” 
“Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.” 
“I get why you’re upset but this isn’t their fault.” 
“You don’t get it. You didn’t lose your dad. You have the perfect family Octavia so don’t you dare tell me that you get it.” 
“Okay maybe I don’t. But you don’t know either how Lexa and Lincoln must feel now. They lost both their parents in that accident and now Lexa has lost you too. They are stuck with the guilt that was caused by their dad.” Octavia said and Clarke sipped of her coffee that had turned cold now. She poured it into the kitchen sink without saying anything, thinking of what Octavia said. “I know it’s not their fault but…” Clarke needed to close her eyes to stop herself of crying. “... everytime I think of Lexa, I can’t think of anything else than my dad. I feel disgusted and I can’t feel anything else than that. I want to, believe me but thinking how he could have lived if…” Clarke didn’t finish her sentence but she remembered the words Lexa had said to her. Her dad started to drink after she came out as being gay but even then she herself said it wasn’t her fault. Why would it change now? It did change. It became personal and even though she didn’t want to put the blame on Lexa, she couldn’t help to feel this way. She was so lost in thoughts that she forgot that Octavia had been staring at her. “If’s don’t exist, Clarke. It is is like it is and we need to find a way to live with it even if we liked it better different. We can’t change it.” 
“I can’t just pretend that nothing changed between us because it did. I didn’t want this to happen but it did happen.” Clarke said and Octavia didn’t know what to say anymore. “I need some time to think. This is all getting much and I think I’m going back to my mother for some days.” 
“Your mother?” Octavia was surprised to hear that. Not that Clarke and Abby had a bad relationship, not at all but Clarke only visited her for Christmas because of her busy schedule. “What about the tour?” 
“I’ll be back before we leave.” 
“When are you leaving?” 
“As soon as possible. I was about to pack my bags.” 
“Do you want me to help you?” Octavia asked and Clarke pulled her into a hug. “Hold me first.” She said and Octavia held her tightly. “I’m sorry this is happening to you, Clarke. You don’t deserve this.” Octavia said and they pulled away. “Nothing to do about it, right?” Clarke said and Octavia gave her a sad smile. It didn’t take long for them to pack her bags since Clarke didn’t plan on staying long. “Are you going to tell her?” Octavia asked while they were putting the bags in the car. “I don’t know yet.” Clarke said and she hugged Octavia goodbye but before she got in the car and drove off to her mother.