Vent

Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

  Why? Everything i do is an attempt to please you. But none of it will ever be enough, will it? An example is this morning. You woke me up for online classes, and i am thankful for that.But not even 5 minutes later, your yelling about every little thing we do. You were yelling something along the lines of "The youngest one likes to play the dumb roll in school. Always saying 'i don't understand it' just shut up and do the work. like damn!" And i cant say I'm surprised, but i can say that what you said hurt me so much more than you can imagine. Because i try so hard on everything i do, and for her to say things like that hurts me in so many ways, to the point where i just wanna stop trying because nothing will ever be enough for her. She hates me and everything i do, shes often 'joked' about selling me to the circus or selling me somewhere else. She also 'jokes' about how she "found me in a dumpster" but all i can do is take every 'joke' and insult as it comes, because "as a kid i should know my place". When in reality i don't understand this fucked up life at all. i don't even understand the point of living if i just have to come home to this all the time. But no, she doesn't understand how words effect her kids, mostly me. Life at home for me is really hard, you may not notice it because i put on a fake smile and act like nothing is wrong, but its all a lie. All of those smiles and laughs, some were genuine sure. But others were faker then those earrings you would find in the Halloween costume section in Walmart. Every day gets a little harder because not only do i have to deal with home life, but i also have to deal with my social life and everything that comes with it. Its really hard and your not making it any easier, and it could be one of those days where i just want to end it all without a second thought, and you wouldn't know a thing because you raised such a good actor. You "didn't raise a dumbass" well then, i guess something went wrong. And wile on the topic of "things going wrong" what is up with you "supporting" me? You told me you could accept me and support me when i told you i was trans, for the 5th time, but all you do is shame me for it. You tell me your never gonna use my name and pronouns but have the nerve to say you support me. you told me your never gonna let me start testosterone! and that would mean i have to wait until I'm 18 to start T. But i don't think you understand. If i do not start T, if i do not start doing things to help me deal with my dysphoria, if i don't start my transition, i will not be able to continue being alive. So whats it gonna be, have another SON, or have one less child. Because life is already hard enough as it is, and its only gonna get harder, why cant you help make it easier. And i just herd what you said! "if your old enough to change your name you should be old enough to clean the kitchen when you see its dirty" THAT FUCKING HURT! Now I'm sitting here crying because you wanted to be so damn insensitive. You don't understand! I changed my name because that's who i am and that name makes me much more comfortable. And its not even legally changed because you don't want it changed. I think I've written enough for now, and I'm pretty sure you get the point. I just wish things were different 

                                                                  Sincerely, you SON, Alexander