Vent

Something I noticed

⚠️VERY MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING⚠️
This chapter contains talk about self harm and other similar triggering topics. The detail when talking about it is VERY VERY VERY VERY graphic. So if you know something like that will trigger you I highly suggest you don't read this chapter. I really can't stress this enough. This chapter is VERY VERY VERY graphic. If your not comfortable with that and you know would get triggered. Please don't read it.
You have been warned.
Onto the chapter..........

Dear whoever,
   I noticed something today. Even though I've been 26 days clean I still feel the longing to have a sharp object do what it does best. Earlier today I took on the task of helping make dinner and washing all the dishes afterwards. While cutting up the food I felt the blade of the sharp kitchen knife grazing my fingers and the same feeling when I was washing the knives later on. On the outside I may have seemed calm and like I was just preforming the tasks and nothing more. But I'm the inside, the only thing I could think about was how satisfying the feeling of the blade across my fingers and the stinging feeling and the blood dripping afterwards. Even as I'm writing I can still imagine how it would feel to add the necessary pressure to the knife against my fingers. The first thing that pops into mind is the stinging yet satisfying feeling that would come shortly after. I know exactly how it would play out too. After the deed is done I would flinch and drop the knife. Grab my finger and try to prevent the bloodshed because the mess would be a hassle to clean up. Then comes the satisfying stinging pain. I know the feeling all too well at this point. Almost as if we're connected. I never really noticed that this "masochist type" feeling was existent. But after doing those tasks today it definitely became apparent. No one knows that those kinds of thoughts go through my head but I'm working on completely ignoring the oh so tempting thoughts because I've been 26 days clean. I don't really have much support on my quest of staying clean and stopping my bad habit so it's more of a mental thing. But I have a very small amount of people who are staying with me and helping me during this mission.

                                Sincerely, your local                                                                              depressed emo, Alexander