Vent

Update

Dear reader,
    I know I've been gone for a while. That's because a lot of things have happened. For example, I officially cut him off. The one who was my "best friend" is now just a stranger to me. I gave him too many chances, in hopes that he would change. That he would go back to being the friend I had in the beginning. But things change and I guess we were too different to get along. But it doesn't matter anymore. What does matter at this exact moment is that I just realized that for the past few years I haven't had or felt a mother's love or "a mother's touch". I don't know how it took me this long to realize it. But I definitely haven't felt it in years. I'm a person that doesn't like physical contact much so I didn't really think that something like this would hit me so hard. I cried for 20 minutes over this. I don't know if you understand what I mean. The feeling of not having a mother's love for years. The feeling of not having a mother's touch for years. The feeling of being neglected. The feeling of things getting better then to just drop back to square one in the blink of an eye. I believe a term I could be looking for is "touch starved" but something stronger. My heart craves the loving embrace of a mother. My heart craves the feeling of being loved by a mother. My heart seeks acceptance. But just can't seem to find it here. Almost as if it doesn't exist. It felt like things were just starting to get better but then a little later the next day I was pushed off the cliff, back down to level one. I'm so fucking tired of the abuse, the lies, the feeling of being neglected, and the absence of love. I miss the mother I used to have. But she's changed. She's no longer the one who provided me love, she now only provides me hate and abuse.

                                            Sincerely, Alexander