Vent

Confused

Dear you,
       I'm so confused. I'm so angry at you but I can't bring myself to stay mad. Why is that? I wish I knew. Well, I might know why but I have my doubts. You've done a lot of things to make me upset but for some reason I can't stay mad. But I don't want to be mad! I don't want to be upset! I just want you. This is really hard to admit but I'm not sure if you'll ever see this book so I think I'm in the clear to admit it, but I love you. I love you too much to be mad. I wish I had a chance with you, but I think I've already lost that. I also just wanna talk to you all the time, but I know you're busy and you have other things to do, that's why I feel selfish every time I wish I had all of your attention. I just wish you would be focused on only me for as long as possible. I can't explain why I feel the way I do in a way that makes sense, but I guess the reason would be the fact that I love you, more than you will ever be able to understand. And when I try to explain how I feel to you, I freeze up and I can't even speak a single word. I guess you just have that effect on me huh? But anyway, I think that's the only way I can explain it. My feelings for you never died, maybe a very small bit but they are still strong. I have very, very high doubts that you feel the same but I guess I'll never know unless I ask. But that's the problem, in that situation I freeze up and can't even speak, I've tried but I just can't do it. I guess if you end up seeing this book I won't have to say anything. But at the same time, I may love you more than I love anime, but you do things that make me so upset. And I choose not to voice these things because I feel like it's gonna fuck up our friendship, and that's the last thing I wanna do. So I'm stuck trying to find out what to do. I feel like voicing my feelings on the fact that some of the things you do make me upset and make me feel some type of way will only make things worse. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here, because I don't know what I'm gonna do. If I let this go on it's gonna eat me alive, but if I say something I fear something will go very wrong, very fast. I just wish I could have your full undivided attention for as long as I can possibly have it, because you mean so much to me and I love you. But I don't want to seem clingy or obsessed. And me not acting on these emotions is just making them stronger, which will only make it worse in the long run. I just don't know what to do. Please help me. Please make this easier.
   
                 Sincerely, someone who loves you, Alexander