Vent

Annoyed pt2

Dear "best friend",
     Weather you've already seen this book yet or not, I know I'm gonna be the one to show you this book. Another thing I know is that something you might bring up is is not being friends anymore if it brings this much stress. And I don't want to fucking hear that. What I want to hear is that you will get your shit together. And I want you to mean it. I want to see you do that. Because no one wants to be treated this way and no one wants to feel this way. But your too busy living your famous life and forgetting about us! We've been there for you since before, but it's like we don't even matter now. But as I said in the last one, I'm over those sorry ass apologizes. I want to see the change. Because I know you, I know you can do it if you tried. But it seems like your not even trying. I told you, I write how I feel in the exact moment in time. And this is how I feel right this moment. I'm over all of this. I would honestly love to still be friends with you because I know you can get your shit together. And I have so many emotions going through my head right now there getting jumbled up and half of the stuff I'm writing might not even make sense or it's getting all jumbled together. An easy way to explain it is the same way I said it a few days ago. Part of me wants to push everyone including you away and tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. But the other part of me loves you too much to do that. Because I don't think you understand, so let me explain in simple terms. I still have feelings for you dumbass. I haven't gotten over it even though I know damn well I need to because me and you are most likely never gonna happen. But that part of me is one of the main things that's not letting me push you away. It's not ready to let go of the very, very, very, slim chance I have with you. And that's what's making this so much harder for me. Because I can't decide on what to do. I'm overwhelmed and confused and have zero clue on what to do. But I do know that I wish I had that chance with you. I wish I could have you back. But I've been lost that chance. So it shouldn't matter, right? Apparently not according to that one side. But as I said, there's also that other side of me that wants to push you away and tell you too fuck off. Because of the fact that I'm so confused and don't know what to do is making that feeling stronger. My brain hopes that if is "out of sight" it's "out of mind" but you literally never leave my mind. And that's something I hate because every thought I have, somehow links back to you. But to sum this all up, I'm just so confused and don't know how to handle this or what to do. Because your the only person on this planet that has made me feel the way you made me feel during those 3 months. I just don't know what to do. Please help me.
 
                                            Sincerely, Alexander