Someone That I left Behind

Scent and Stain

Joong

He was sleeping peacefully even when I held him so tight.

His rapid breathing slowing down, the line of worry between his brows ceased to exist.

Convinced he was already in a deep state, I backed up a little while still holding him, to look at him carefully.

I miss this face, so much. How could a person stay being this cute in his 30's?

I wiped away the trace of tears on his cheeks, down to his nose, and touched those lips.

A little dry, must had been parched because of the fever.

I kiss his hand that was placed on my chest, and laced our fingers together.

So delicate, pretty hand that felt too small under my larger one.

He once joked that I shouldn't grow more because he had to tiptoe to even reach my nose. Difficult for games and events. Unconsciously, I smiled remembering those precious time.

Yet, I grew up, taller, larger, tougher. While for him, time seemed to stand still. Aside from being a little thin, everything else of him remained the same. Are you an immortal Nai?.

Thinking back about him, made me felt so restless.

I knew P'Mook would care for him liked a mother hen, but still I worry.

I stared at my empty hands that were holding someone very dear just hours back.

I could still feel the warmth from that feverish body, his scent remained on my shirt.

Liked a thirsty person that only had a drop of water, holding him just for a while was not enough, never be enough.

For years, I yearned to feel that comfort again, to have someone to hold and would hug you back till you sleep away all your worries.

I used to have that, but I messed up.

"Joong? You're back already?", P'Mhee sleepy voice broke my trance.

"Yes P', just arrived".

"Wash up and sleep. We'll have a breakneck schedules for a week. Won't be easy".

"P'?"

"Yes?"

"Don't you want to ask anything else?"

P'Mhee was silent for a while. Although we never talk about what happened between me and Nine, he knew everything that surrounded us. I knew he never picked side, but for the pain I caused Nine, he must had wanted to tear me to pieces;

"Let us run with the elephant first, Joong. Maybe, I'll be too tired to scold you after that".

..or this time, shove me under the elephant's trunk.

I took a towel and went into the bathroom. 

Still, no amount of shower could ever wash away the stain of guilt covering my skin.