Someone That I left Behind

Circle

Nine

"This is just liked back then, right P'?". I heard and understood his meaning.

I drove him to almost everywhere when he was younger. No matter how tired, no matter how late, sometimes I did get irritated and lashed out, but still, most of the talk happened while we were in the car.

"So, you drive now?", I asked.

"Sometimes, but most of the times, we traveled by the company car. Too pack schedules nowadays. Both P'Mhee and I were tired, so quite harmful to drive in that condition. But, it was different than driving with you".

"Different how?".

"Silent".

"Why? Nobody wanted to talk to you?".

"No, nobody to fight with".

I gave him a warning glance.

He just laughed, and suddenly became somber, "I wanted to drive you around, you know. But, when I was able to, you're...not there anymore. And now...now this happened, and it is still you; who drive, who cared for me, whose mood change I still couldn't read. It seems as if we go around in circle".

"And that's a bad thing?".

"No, not a bad thing, but also not a good one".

"Why?"

"Where to start or where did I leave off? Should I run ahead, or back?. The distance of where you and I stand in this circle, I could never guess, but yet, I run still".

I listened quietly. I didn't confirm nor deny the truth of his words.

Joong turned his body sideways on the seat and looked directly at me. My eyes were still on the road, but my focus was divided.

"I had always been open with you P'. You didn't need to guess nor search for me in the circle. So, please... break your silence and call me, can't you?. I'll come readily".

"Don't you want to know, if I am already with someone right now?".

"You are?".

The silence was deafening. A needle drop would sound too loud at the moment.

Joong took my hand that was free, played with the tips and caressed the back of it in minutes silence. His action was absentmindedly done, but the effect it had on my concentration, I was afraid that we really need to stop on the side of the road for me to get back to the right mind.

"Then P', I will just stand by quietly at the side. I'll take whatever little crumbs you chanced to throw my way and wait for you", he said that with a hoarse, quite voice.

"Doesn't that mean you are wishing for my relationship to fall?".

"No. I wanted to break the fall, so you'll feel less pain", he laughed a little after he said that, but sounded so forceful, "Damn, it's like something from a movie, isn't it? What am I thinking! Anyway, I was once that dumbass that pushed you down", he said that and released my hand. He turned and looked outside the window silently.

"Joong...", I tried to call him but he refused to answer.

I grabbed his hand and tried to pull his attention.

"You don't want to look? Okay, just listen then. I won't fall, so you don't need to wait on the side...".

"Yeah,...live happily ever after then", I heard him grumbled. I smiled and shook my head.

"There's no one to push me".

Joong still didn't turn, but the hold on my hand, almost crushing.