Someone That I left Behind

Au Revoir

Nine

The journey back was somber. Both of us were lost in our own thoughts. Joong was holding my hand. I could feel his was cold. Occasionally, he squeezed my hand in assurance. I knew, he was frustrated, that I still chose silence over telling him anything. I couldn't. All I could say was I love him. I wanted to tell him that, at least once, before we parted. My heart was beating painfully. The time frame end today. By midnight, the devil would do as he said. Knowing him, he wouldn't care a bit if Joong was hurt as well, just to burn me alive.

In a while, we would arrive at the café. I didn't know how to end this with him. I might break down again if we were already back in the room, and nothing would be settled. This was my last chance to talk, and he could go nowhere but listen.

"Joong...", I called him quietly. He didn't reply, but I knew he was listening, because the hand that hold mine was suddenly stiff. "It's alright if you don't want to talk. But, please listen to this with an open heart".

"Yesterday, you saw what I was looking at, right? Yes, I was thinking of leaving Chiang Mai, to somewhere even I don't know yet. I am tired of moving around, but I have to. Given the choice, no matter how many times, I will always choose you over me. I won't be happy, knowing that you are suffering somewhere."

"We are not living in a fairy tale world, there will be no fairy godmother, no spell or magic that can help us to get through difficulties. Even if we are together, there will be no end to what can befall us, and to the people that we love. Is it worth it, to see everything around us crumbles, just because of our selfish need to love, Joong?".

"Maybe, the reason we've met now, is not to be together. But to cut loose the chain that always bind us in a tangle. I couldn't undo what had happened. But, I never regretted even a tiny bit of it. Maybe my decision was wrong, maybe I rid you of the choice that should have been yours to make, but I did what I thought was the best thing for you, no matter how one sided it was. I'm so sorry, if my choice put you in a greater pain than what I'd imagined. Put all the blame on me, Joong. It's alright".

My voice had started to waver, but I just swallowed the bitter taste on my tongue and continued. I could feel the hand that hold mine, shook so much, whether because of the cold, or because of anger, I couldn't tell.

"Just say it, Nai. Say it, directly, what you wanted me to do...", for the first time, I heard a very cold voice coming from him. It was emotionless, almost like a tin man talking. The timing was perfect too, we arrived at the café just as soon. Slowly, I pulled my hand away from the hold that was already slacking. I turned towards Joong, and tried to turn him to look at me. Joong's face was stoic, devoid of any expression. He was looking at me with the same look back then, empty eyes that hid the tumult inside his mind.

"I'd already called P'Mhee last night, and now he was waiting for you. That taxi over there, will take you to the airport immediately".

I raised my hands and caressed his face. This maybe the last time that I could ever have a chance to look at him so close liked this, to touch and to hold. "Please, stop looking for me after this. Move on. Live your life as best as you can and I will live mine. Find someone to love too, Joong. Someone out there must be made for you, to love you, maybe more than what I could give. If you do, I might know it too, caused it will be all over the news", I laughed bitterly. I moved closer and kissed his lips gently. It didn't matter if the devil's spy was lurking. Took as much photo as he wanted.

"Even if you're angry, can't you kiss me back? I might now be the one who can't sleep without them", I teased him, though my eyes were already blurry.

Joong was quiet, but suddenly, he grabbed my hair to almost hurting and kissed just as hard. I could taste blood on my tongue, the lips that was nipped had started to bleed. I knew, the kiss was meant to hurt but also to pour his heart out. I kissed him back just as hard. My tears were unstoppable, yet again I cried. After we both almost suffocated, just as sudden as it started, as sudden it stopped.

Joong's eyes was murderous. The shine told me that he was holding back his tears.

"I won't search or come for you. But, promise me. Stay. Don't ever move anywhere else from here. If you do, I will search for you, even to hell and back again, and chained you to me for eternity. That time, I won't give a damn to whoever will be hurt, and just be "selfish" as you said".

He opened the car door, and turned to me for the last moment.

"You want me to find another love Nai? That must be impossible. I have no heart to spare. The one I gave away in the past 10 years, has yet to be returned back to me. If you can stop yourself from loving me, that will be the moment I can love somebody else other than you".

And that, was the last moment, I saw the back of him, walking away, leaving me.