Someone That I left Behind

Loudest Silence

P'Mhee

We didn't talk about the night Joong stayed back at the café. But, I knew him liked my own kin. His gestures, his expressions, his habits and restlessness were obvious indications that he'd found what he'd been searching for these past years. He found the missing half. Still, I kept my silence, since I could sense that thing was still unsettled. Joong looked more disturbed rather than happy.

I glanced at Joong that was deep in thought. Now and then, his face scrunched up a little from the painful shoulder. I saw red the moment he fell to the ground after the impact from the collision. I did jest about him and the elephant, yet immediately regret when it suddenly happened. I wanted to bring him back to Bangkok to get a better treatment too, but the moment he looked at me with that pleading eyes, that he didn't want to go back, I'd made my decision on the spot even though there'd be hell to deal with the company later.

This longstanding unrest needed to be settled, once and for all.

And, maybe, it was my atonement too.

Joong

"Joong, sure you don't want to get a better treatment in the city?" I heard P'Mhee asking me for the tenth time. I shook my head. The road that we traveled was a little bumpy. A few times, my shoulder bumped to the seat and the pain felt liked my skin was sliced from within. I needed to wear the sling for now, to reduce movements that could worsen the condition, but nothing could stop my determination to go to Nine. I won't leave even if the injury was greater than this. I didn't know how long P'Mook could keep him to stay there.

Nine was perceptive. He always was. Back then, he could sense my mood changes without having me saying a word. That's the reason why I could never lie to him, at all, part of it was my personality and part of it was because he would found out anyway. Our relationship was based on trust, but yet, I'd severed them. There was never a day that I didn't replay our last moment. Why didn't I sense that he had let go, why didn't I sense that it was goodbye? My actions were based on feeling alone, while he, being the matured one, was more careful and attentive to other's need before his own. I wonder how much he kept inside that I couldn't see, couldn't sense, couldn't read. Because unlike him, I was not perceptive enough, not caring enough, not matured enough.

I had vowed, to search for him and once found, would shower him with anything and everything, whatever that would make him happy, content and open up more. Regardless of whether he wanted me or not, whether he loved me or not. No more, nobody else. He would be my end game.

May he find it in his heart to forgive me. 

This is my last card. I am all in. 

P'Mook

Joong was injured. Joong was injured!.

My heart was beating so fast that caused me to feel lightheaded.

Where should I stand now? Should I inform Nine?

Informed, how? I didn't even know how to start explaining the chaos of events. The events that I played a hand in weaving here and there. The end pattern was not yet there, but I could see the sloppiness of my handiwork.

My mind was thinking hard. I spared a look at Nine.

He was not yet fully healed. He still got some little coughs now and then.

I filled up the bottle with water and again going to bring it to Nine.

Most of the time my anxiety caused me to act more awkward, clumsier, more forceful. I talked too much, bother him too much, hands shaking too much. That man was so observant that I truly believed that Nine was just bidding his time until I blurt out everything myself. I'd yet to throw up, but almost, maybe soon.

Damn it! I am not that old, yet this constant heart attack-liked feeling was making me sick and weak. God...if this is the end of the road, let me go with less wrinkles on my face, so at least I had a good fan photo with them to remember by in years to come. Forgive me Joong, P' just loved watching drama but so very bad at acting.

I took a painkiller first with some water. This felt liked a long...long...long... day, and a major headache.

Nine

I heard distant voices, liked a quite conversation. But the words and faces were blurry. I tried to open my eyes but it was hard. My body was burning, my throat parched and it felt liked a boulder was placed on my head. My fingers were tracing the space on the bed beside me, empty, cold, nothing, just a blank space.

So, it was just a dream, yes, a kaleidoscope of memories that had the same person in the center of it all. A dream that gave so much comfort, embracing and lulled me to sleep peacefully even though it was too warm until my shirt drenched in sweats.

I turned and buried my face on the pillow. My heart skipped a beat.

You're here? You're real? Was that your warmth that enveloped me?.

I inhaled deeply a few times, my hand was gripping the pillow tighter and tighter.

Sleep Nai, just sleep, this was just another dream, maybe you'd wake up forgetting all this, and the past too.

"Nai, your head hurt?", I felt P'Mook's hand on my forehead.

I opened my eyes and shook off the vague memory I was trying to connect in my head. It was so jumpy with too much black spaces in between. Am I crazy? Or my memory was foggy because I was heavily sick that night? Every night, I was holding the same pillow, inhaling the scent that remained, although it'd disappear little by little. How long can this last? You could retain memories, but how to keep a scent forever?.

"No P', I was just trying to remember something".

"No, no.. stop. Do the thinking after you're well enough".

"P', you know that it's just a fever and a bad cough. My brain is intact", I said with a smile.

"Nope, no. I mean, how big a problem it is that your face has to look so bothered by it. Yes, I mean, not to do the serious thinking that much".

"P'?"

"Yes?"

"I realized you kept telling me to stop thinking this and that. Anything that I miss to know ?"

"Hmm,errmm.. for once, the café looked new, thank God for the shoot, we can reduce the revamp cost that is needed. They moved the shoot to the sanctuary next, after here, you know.....". She was sweating, her eyes were blinking too fast.

"And?"

"Someone was knocked by an elephant.."

"What !?"

"No, I mean, the scene, yes, they mentioned about filming with the elephants there, must be an amazing action scene, wasn't it?", with that she's gone.

P'Mook was a bad actress, very very very bad.

The Café

Nine stood and turned around.

He and Joong were staring at each other without a single blink for quite a long time.

P'Mook was dropping her head in her arms, she still didn't know whether to cry or laugh or screamed or passed out with the current situation.

"Yup...so where shall we start or is this already the ending scene?". P'Mhee's voice boomed in the quietness.

And everybody seemed to wake up from their trance.