Someone That I left Behind

Guardian

Nine

"Will you be okay, walking in a crowded place?"

"Why?"

"Won't people swarm when they recognized you?"

"In Bangkok, maybe, but out of the city, liked this place, people don't do it that much, most just look, smile in acknowledgement and continue their steps as usual. Maybe, they are not sure if I am the real thing; or maybe just not in their interest, either way, I'm comfortable enough as it is. Besides, I think wearing this glasses and cap, I looked a bit younger and different, right?".

We were going to the department store to buy skincare for Joong. We never used the same products, even back then. Our skin condition was different, mine was more prone to breakouts, whereas his was rougher.

The department store was the largest building in the small city. In weekends, it would be crowded to the brim, youngsters, families and people in general went out to spend their weekends, happily shopping or just hanging out together. I hesitated a bit to bring Joong here. Although I was a celebrity once, but at that time, we were just starting to be recognized, not as popular as Joong is right now. Even then, some fans would either ask for photo or video recording.

We tried to maneuver walking among the crowded place. I walked on his left side, to cover Joong from bumping with other people too much. The store that we wanted to go was on the third floor of the store.

"P, you looked funny".

"What is funny?".

"You only reach my shoulder, but you're trying to protect my left side liked a wing guard. I feel so loved, but I can't help feeling liked laughing too. Just walk easy, will you?". He said that, moved to my left and easily hold my hand.

I pulled my hand back to my side, "Joong, this is public".

"Yes, and I wanted to hold your hand". He looked at me, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"Is it okay? For you, I mean, to be seen walking this way with...", I wanted to say a guy, to be seen walking this way with a guy, but I couldn't. He took my hand again. And walked ahead. I was pulled forward to follow until I walked by his side. Joong looked disturbed, his hold was a bit tight, but not hurting.

"Are you uncomfortable, Nai? Just say it and I'll let this hand go". His word was said coldly. I could sense that he was a bit furious at me. I pulled him into a corner to talk, to not disturb the flow of others on the walkway.

"No, it's not that", I shook my head and said, "I was thinking about you, what if you are seen? What will people think of this? I am not known, but you are that, a public figure".

"I will say this only once, and it's up to you to decide. Let just do it as we wanted it to be, to hell with what people wanted to see or say. You know me, Nai. Back then or now, I have never been shy about you and me. I said it loud, I acted what I felt. I had always laid my heart bare for you to see. I am not 18 anymore, please see me as I am now. We can carry each other's burden, so stop protecting me alone".

"I'm sorry Joong, even if I wanted to, I can't just do anything without thinking about you first".

"Well, if you wanted to stay in the shadow, I can't push you out of it...".

Joong

The rest of the journey was done in silence. This day started off promising, but it seemed, one after the other, something kept butting in to ruin it. I wished I was calmer in handling rejections. With Nine, it was always the case, where I was so ready to bare it all, and him overthinking everything and being careful. The cause of most of our arguments was because of this, where I thought he was being too guarded and he thought that I was being too careless.

I didn't initiate anything else after my attempt to hold his hand was not received well. We went to buy the products and just went back to the car. The plan to go around the city was abandoned too. I ask Nine to just go to the repair shop and back to the café. It would take 3 days, the guy that looked at my phone said. Some components inside needed to be ordered first from their suppliers. So, I was without a phone to play with, and no mood to talk to the person besides me.

"Joong, how long you wanted to sulk this time, just tell me in advance naa. P' need to set a recovery plan", Nine asked lightly to ease my mood.

"Forever".

"Uyyy, really, that long? Someone told me, to see him as he is now. But, I see only a small baby right now, so what should I do? Coo him? Hug him? Smooch him senseless?".

"Nothing".

Nine grabbed my hand, and I tried to pull it back, but he held tight. It's like a tug of war.

"Tsk, stop pulling back, I'm driving, it's a distraction, we'll be in danger", he said that with a smile and kept a tight hold. I sighed and relented.

"Are we a secret lover? Now out of view, so you can hold my hand?", I asked none too gently.

Nine didn't react to my taunt. But his hold lightened and he sighed heavily.

"If only you could read my mind Joong, you'd know many surprising things that I couldn't say out loud. Not just now, but when you're young too".

"Why couldn't you say it out, back then?".

"That was how the line was set. Youth was a free pass in some aspects, but when both were young, someone needed to be the mature one".

"So, I was immature? Was that how you saw me?".

"No, not immature, but carefree. Whenever you surpassed the boundaries, I felt the need to pull you back a little, without breaking your sense of innocence too. I was used to be the man in the family, so, all I know is how to protect, to give, to nurture. So, I didn't know how to express it, even with you, what I want, what I feel. Sometimes, it came out wrong to the person receiving... that's why we bickered a lot", he said quietly and was about to pull his hand away, but I stopped him by tightening my hold.

"That was then, but now, what's stopping you now? Was that, somehow connected to what's bothering you since the morning?". Nine turned his head in surprise, but kept mum. He looked back to the front, but his hand was getting cold.

"It's okay P'. I won't push you to talk if you are not ready to tell me". I tapped his hand as an affirmation and let the topic go. Someday, Nine would let everything out freely and I'd know, that would be the moment of truth, a complete trust between us. The silence continued for a while, but it was not as depressing as before.

Suddenly, something ticked my mind, about what Nine said just now.

"P', you said I would be surprised if I know what you're thinking, since I can't read your mind, can I ask you something?".

"Yes?".

"If it is not because I'm a public figure, as you said, what do you want to do, if we are on a date?".

"All of the above".

"What??", I was befuddled. What was Nine talking about? Or, did I miss to notice the options?

"Cooing. Hugging. Kissing. And not, in any way innocent liked a baby".

The kitty just smirked and now I blushed. My poor heart, damn you, Nine!.