Someone That I left Behind

Empty House

Nine

It was already 2.00am. But I couldn't sleep.

Not because of something that's troubling me, but because Joong was tossing around uneasily.

I try to persuade him to sleep on the bed again after his shower, but his decision to not take the bed was rock solid, unmovable.

"Joong, what's wrong? Is it your shoulder, painful ?", I asked in the dark.

"Oh, you're not asleep yet ? Sorry, I must have disturbed you again. Two nights in a row. I feel guilty. It's nothing, go to sleep...".

I switched on the bedside lamp, sat up on my bed and looked for something in the drawer.

"Come here, let me give it a rub with this hot balm, it may ease the pain a bit".

"It's okay P', just give me the balm. I'll do it on my own. Go to sleep".

Joong moved towards the bed to take the balm from my hand. But I shook my head.

"You won't be able to reach the back. Didn't that was hit the hardest when you fall? Sit here. It's okay, it'll only take a short time. I can't sleep anyway...".

Joong relented and sit on the edge of the bed. I helped to pull his shirt off to make the strained spots easier to be massaged.

"Do you always sleep this late? Filming? On the phone?", I tried to talk a little to distract him from the pain when I rubbed the injured area a little hard to relax the tight muscles.

"Sometimes later than this. But it doesn't matter since I can sleep more on the day when the schedule is free".

"But, that must be unlikely to happen often, now, since you must be too busy...", I said and smiled.

"Hmm, I don't mind to fill my time with work. It kept me from overthinking about y... everything else...".

I could sense, that Joong was guarded. He accepted the chance that was offered, I understood if he was conscious not to do or say the wrong thing, but, I still didn't want him to walk on eggshells. It would put an unnecessary distance between us.

"Joong.. it's okay to just say whatever is in your mind. You don't have to be careful around me, you know? What you said to me was right. You had always been open with me, yet I didn't do the same. So, I don't want us to restart this with building a new wall. I used to make that mistake back then, you don't have to start now".

Joong was silent. I knew he needed time to think it through, so I kept massaging his shoulder and back without another words. After a while, the muscles tightness had ease, so I stopped, and helped him back into his shirt. He turned to look at me, yet still hesitated to talk. I hold both his hands and asked again.

"So, why do you sleep late so often, Joong? What kept you awake at night?".

"Empty house".

"Hmm, you mentioned that before, about going home to an empty big house. I don't know how big your house is now, but I guess this room must be only the size of your bathroom. Do you feel stuffy, so that's why you can't sleep till now?", I teased.

Joong smiled a little, took a deep breath and started.

"I saved my incomes over the years to build a home that I pictured in my head, while living in a rented room. I knew it would take long to actually make it comes true. But then, three years ago, somehow, I got lucky, and along with popularity, the incomes rose tremendously too. That dream house was built on a land I purchased, near your old neighborhood. Got 8 bedrooms; 3 for my family, and 3...for yours. We each have a bedroom, but you are welcome to always share mine".

I was speechless, and touched too. When we worked together, Joong was always welcomed in my family home, whenever. After our fallout, we vanished totally from his life. Mae even sometimes cried on my shoulder, missing Joong, but stood on my side still. It's astonishing, the fact that regardless of wherever we are, Joong lived a part of his life thinking that someday, we'll be back together, whenever that will be.

"Joong...", I wanted to say anything, but words had left me.

"Every time I come back, the silence is too loud. Staring at the white wall, I lie awake and thinking of what everyone is doing in the same space of time? I know where my family is, but where is yours, and...you. The guilt I felt for losing everyone, liked a knife so sharp, was cutting me from within. I got a house, but no family, and nobody besides me, Nai. You can never find a smaller place, than that of an empty house, no matter how big the space is, you feel cold and suffocated, so you can't sleep".

He pulled his hands that I was holding and cupped my face.

"You said this room is small. But, to me, it is spacious and warm, more than that empty house could offer. For the first time in years, I can breathe easy. I'm not building a new wall between us, I won't dare do that and throw away my precious chance. It's just that, I am so used to being alone, so used to close my feeling to everyone around, that I don't realize, how hard it is to start to open up again, even with you", he caressed my cheeks before pulling his hands down to his lap.

"If you can breathe easy, then why can't you sleep well still?"

"Oh..ermm.. about that...my phone broke.."

"So, it's not about the pain on your shoulder?", I asked dumbfounded. Was I doing an angel's work for nothing?.

"Yes, the pain played a part too, I wasn't pretending, it's true...".

"But?".

"Your picture is in it".

"Well, I'm here, so?"

"Can't you just let this go? Sleep. Thanks for the massage...". Joong was about to stand and move to his place.

"Sorry, I can't", I grabbed his hand tightly, "This will make me just as awake as you are Joong. So, okay, spill !".

Joong released a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry, Nai. But, don't punch me...", as soon as he said that, he grabbed my neck and kissed my lips softly. I was surprised in place, my hand that was about to push him, stopped midway thinking about the injury.

"I need to kiss your picture to sleep, it's a habit...", he said that, released his hold, stood up and went back to his makeshift bed. The smile was clearly there on his face. "ahh, on second thought, maybe, I'll just leave the phone as it is, this version is better...".

"I'll bring you to the repair shop tomorrow!", I said immediately and put off the light.

"Spoilsport... Good night, Nai".

I didn't answer him, but my lips reluctantly curved into a smile in the darkness, and the night passed by without a single dream.