Silence Speaks (Book Two to Silence Series)

Eighteen

I leaned against the couch, staring at the ceiling with tired eyes. Loki called an hour ago and said that it wasn't likely he would be home before I went to sleep. I tried to go to sleep but when I did, I only had a panic attack because of a nightmare. It's now midnight and I have no idea what to do. I didn't want to try and sleep again, but I also didn't want to do anything else. "Sir, you have an incoming video call with the Avengers." I sat up and the lights clicked on. I accepted the call and laid down across the sofa again. "Did we wake you?" Tony asked worriedly and I shook my head. "What's up?" Sam held up a piece of paper to the camera. "Karen scan and make a hologram copy." She did as told and I expanded the hologram in front of my face. My lack of sleep made everything blurry, but I managed to read it. "All signed? You do know that means that you all work for me right?" The ones in view nodded and I hummed. "Out of all the people Fury could've picked, you are the one we trust the most." Steve reasoned and I gently rubbed my eyes. "Okay, I'll drop by tomorrow to-" I cut myself off with a yawn. "To collect the paperwork and all your information for my database. Karen's going to have to catalog all of this for me-" The front door opened and I leaned over the couch, catching Loki's entrance. He tossed his keys on the counter and walked into the living room.

"I thought you said you were going to bed?" I hummed and quickly muted my side of the call. "More nightmares?" I nodded and rubbed my eyes. "This is worrying me Pete. I think you should talk to Sam." He kissed me quickly and said a quick goodnight. I unmuted the call and watched him leave. "Are you okay?" I nodded and turned back to face them. "As I was saying, I'll collect a bunch of stuff and catalog it with Karen. You guys will get a whole new specialized look at my databases, that way you can look through it if necessary." I kind of zoned out. "You'll kill them all. You will never live up to the true potential the-" "Peter?" I blinked and looked up. "Sorry. I'm tired." I reached for the coffee on the table and took a quick sip. "Sam asked if there was anything new we'd be receiving." Bucky said and I thought for a moment. "I'm putting new security on the house, I'll be giving you guys new passwords to get through. I..." I blinked and felt dizzy. "Peter you don't look good." Tony commented worriedly and I heard some footsteps enter the room. "I'm going to take him to bed. He'll see you guys tomorrow." Loki promised before hanging up. "Come on big guy." He helped me up and picked me up. "You can't keep stringing yourself along like this."

I sat up with a jolt. My face is sticky with sweat and tears and I could feel new tears building. Loki sat up next to me and pulled me into his arms. I could hear anything but I know my breathing is shallow and I'm hyperventilating. Loki tapped my face and I looked up at him. He pressed a kiss to my cheek before pressing his lips to mine. I closed my eyes and let the fear wash away and I kissed him back. He pulled away and I sighed, my breath shaky. I collapsed against his chest and let the tears fall down my face. That was the worst nightmare yet. He held me while I stared at the door in the dark. Occasionally he would press small kisses to my cheek or neck and it would further my calming down process. He eventually just shifted us into a laying down position and I clung to him, afraid that if I let him go he'd disappear. I was afraid that this was just another game Beck was playing on me, make me fall in love before revealing that it was all just an illusion. I didn't sleep again that night, Loki fell asleep and I just held onto him.

"I'll see you tonight?" I asked hopefully and Loki smiled. "Of course baby. I'll bring something home, so don't worry about dinner. And please, try and take a nap or something. You look dead on your feet." I nodded, twisting my fingers with anxiety. "I love you." He smiled and pulled me into a kiss. "I love you too." He grabbed his bag and keys before leaving the house. "Karen, is this real?" I questioned, worry and fear leaking into my voice. "Yes sir, this is real. I believe you are experiencing a very serious PTSD episode. Would you like me to contact Sam?" I shook my head and sighed in relief. "Okay Peter, you've got a meeting today." I reminded myself and went upstairs to shower and get dressed.

I walked into the Avengers compound and the kids ran to me. "Hey guys!" I picked up Cooper and hugged Sage tight. "I missed you guys." I hugged Cooper just as tight before setting him on his feet. "Can you guys run to get me Uncle Sam?" They nodded and ran down the hall to the bedrooms. I grabbed a cup from the cabinet and filled it with water before drinking it. "Hey kid, you're here early. We were expecting you around noon." Sam greeted and I jumped slightly. "I need to talk to you." He grabbed my arm and pulled me to his room, where Bucky and Steve were. "What's wrong?" I rubbed my eyes. "My nightmares. They're really bad and I can't tell if anything is real or not. I keep thinking that everything will be okay and then I think Beck is just fucking with me and all of this is fake. I haven't slept since I babysat the kids and I keep having panic attacks." I sat on the floor and put my head on my arms. "I thought I was okay, that I was finally moving on." Steve laid a hand on my shoulder. "The PTSD and flashbacks never go away Peter. They may wane off but they always come back with vengeance. It happens with all of us, at least once a week, we're calming someone down from a nightmare or panic attack. All you can do is remind yourself that it's over and what you're experiencing isn't real. Ground yourself and educate Loki on how to calm you down. Make sure you can't hurt yourself. It never goes away, but it gets better."

I leaned against my old work space in Tony's lab while everyone went through files. I'm having them clean out repeats and old files that don't matter anymore. "Adoption records?" I nodded and looked up from my phone. "Yep, I don't want to break privacy, but I need to know about the kids and their previous parents in case they try and threaten us and the kids." Clint sighed and looked at me. "Cooper is not adopted." I furrowed my eyes. "He's a previous marriage's offspring. My ex wife didn't want him and I took him." I slowly nodded. "Okay, I'll have to know hospital records and her name, I'm being thorough for safety reasons." My phone began to ring and I quickly answered it. "Hey Pete, I'm home early." Loki greeted once I answered. "Awesome, I'm still at the compound gathering files. Did you still want to pick something up or..?" It was silent for a moment. "I'll just make something. Since we're both free tomorrow, we should go grocery shopping...did you talk to Sam?" I took a glance up at the three I talked to earlier. "Yeah, I talked to Sam. He said it was normal for this to be happening and that how you've been helping is a good way to keep my stable. We've just got to make sure I can't hurt myself in my sleep and that if something happens that I know it's not my fault."

"Okay, we should have Karen keep an eye on your sleep cycle and pattern, that way she can warn me if you're about to have a nightmare. It kills me to see you losing so much sleep like this." I smiled softly and played with the end of my shirt. "I'll get on that tomorrow, I love you." "I love you too Pete. I'll see you when you get home."