Jin's Review Shop

Review: Behind The Smile

Reviewer: Secret or BTS_Believer

Review for: ghostair

What I reviewed
If there were flaws in the writing

Notes
Before I begin, you had asked me to find every flaw I could find. I will try my best but if I seem too harsh feel free to point me out. I don’t normally do this kind of reviewing, this is more of an editor’s job but I will do my best for you ^^

Chapter 1
- In the first paragraph, most authors separate dialogue from actual text to make it flow into the next paragraph.

- I see that there are only paragraphs with one sentence, consider combining the sentences to make one paragraph with the dialogue in a paragraph by itself.

- “His kids meant a lot to him since he had always wanted a family. Well maybe not five kids but that exactly did not matter to him.” Consider combining these two sentences to form something like this: “His kids meant a lot to him as he had always wanted a family, maybe not five kids, but a family nonetheless.”

- “As a Professor of an University…” consider changing to “As a professor of a university…” or if you have the name of the university you could put it in place of just the word university.

- In the next sentence, why is the word specific italicised? Nothing wrong with it but just wondering, it kind of stands out from the rest of the text around it.

- “Every now and then he would get a call from his patients even though he had already informed that his therapy sessions were scheduled in the evening.” consider changing to: “Every now and then, he would get a call from his patients throughout the day even though he had informed them that the therapy sessions were scheduled in the evening.”

- This was all the flaws that I found that could be changed or just kept in mind while writing more for the book
As I read on, the story is cute as of right now, especially Hobi with his butterfly, I gushed ^^

Chapter 2
- As I have said before, text should be in paragraphs with just text while the dialogue is a paragraph on it’s own. Reason being, I did get a bit lost with everything together.

- “Yoongi casually shrugged and nodded. Jimin crawled in slowly towards Yoongi. Yoongi saw him and ran away inside.” Too many short sentences here, please consider changing to: “Yoongi casually shrugged and nodded, eyeing Jimin as he crawled towards him. As soon as he reached his brother, Yoongi ran back inside the house.”.

- “‘So. How do you feel about that?...’” Minor change here, just put a comma instead of a period after the word ‘so’.

- Not much to say about this chapter other than the paragraph issue but everything looks good, I really like how the story is developing so far.

Chapter 3
- “The kind of overprotective parent he was, he could not leave them alone for long. Not so soon anyway.” consider changing to: “That was the kind of overprotective parent he was, not even being able to leave them alone for too long, he believed that it was too soon for him to do that.” or something along those lines.

- “...with his soft toys scattered around him.” I would change soft to plush or plushy, up to you to make this change though.

- “Yoongi was not much expressive…” consider changing much to very
“Yoongi was awfully quiet and did not even open his mouth for once.” consider changing to: “Yoongi was awfully quiet for once and didn’t even open his mouth at all.”