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Review: Behind The Mask

Reviewer: Diana or jeepersx

Review For: Carolsareintheair

So, you’re my first review. Thank you very much for choosing me as your reviewer!

Without further ado, I’ll just jump right into the reviewing.

Cover:
It’s very simple and I think that it could use some work to make it pop more. I can’t really relate it to the story besides the fact that it is a BTS fan fiction. Also, the title is written over faces, particularly Jungkook’s who is making more appearances than the rest in the story. That implies that the character is a minor one, when in this case he is not. However, the story is still in its introductory stage, so maybe that’ll change. I still recommended using a cover that shows everyone's faces.

Description (Quick Summary):
You can definitely do better on it. I tend to gloss over descriptions because they just feel like they’re so hard to write, but since your story doesn’t have many chapters yet I would definitely place close attention to it. Also, your cover and description should go hand in hand because these are the first two things the reader sees.

Try to connect them with a theme. Your description reads “Or that’s just what she thought,” so that implies a bit of suspense. I think a darker theme would go better if you are aiming for a suspense or mystery vibe. If you want more romance vibes, I would definitely change it to a lighter palette. Play with the colors you think best suit your story.

Title:
The title caught my attention. While it feels a little generic, it does ignite a bit of curiosity. I couldn’t find where it connects to the story, but then again there’s only five chapters plus a prologue.

Prose and Dialogue (Narrative):
A good thing to remember: don’t change POVs often, and when you do make sure to let the reader know you’ve changed it and that it’s error-free. There was a POV error in chapter two. It says “she rolled my eyes.”

You do a good job in painting a picture quickly, but there’s room for improvement. The story starts in sentences, that is, not paragraphs. When that happens, there isn’t any detail or feeling. It makes your writing look like it lacks depth. I recommend focusing more on description and making sure that throughout the story the “who, what, when, where, how, why” questions are answered. Describe your characters surroundings, what she feels and the people around her. The physicals descriptions in the beginning of the book are something that you can use in your prose.

With dialogue, if it’s too long, cut it up. For example, in chapter one:

“Good job, Yeri! Exceptional trainee as usual. Everyone, you should take notes and learn her dance technique. Learning how to breathe while dancing is important. I can tell some of you have not learnt it yet. We’ll discuss it in the next practice session. Dismissed.”

In this case, it’s the coach or teacher talking. To make it easier to read, you could add hand gestures and other mannerisms that bring this character, although a minor one, to life.

So what I would do is (and I’ll just put the teacher as a woman):

The teacher clapped her hands together. “Good job, Yeri! Exceptional trainee as usual,” she exclaimed with a smile. She then turned around to look at the rest of the class. “Everyone, you should take notes and learn her dance techniques. Learning how to breathe while dancing is important. I can tell that some of you have not learnt it yet. We’ll discuss it in the next practice session. Dismissed.”

Of course, that is using the whole original dialogue and it still feels very long. If I were to cut it short, I would do this:

The teacher clapped her hands together. “Good job, Yeri! Exceptional trainee as usual,” she exclaimed with a smile. She then turned around to look at the rest of the class. “Everyone, you should take notes. Learning how to breathe while dancing is important. We’ll discuss it in the next practice session. Dismissed.”

So it reads:

The teacher clapped her hands together. “Good job, Yeri! Exceptional trainee as usual,” she complimented with a smile. She then turned around to look at the rest of the class. “Everyone, you should take notes. Learning how to breathe while dancing is important. We’ll discuss it in the next practice session. Dismissed.”

This is just an example. You don’t have to use it if you don’t want to!

Dialogue should be separate per character, just so the reader doesn’t get confused. Make sure to not write one full paragraph of just dialogue between two characters!

I noticed is that our precious main character needs some development! You know how we love a tragic back story; however, it doesn’t reflect on the MC. The past does define someone’s personality, and with Yeri and her very strange and traumatic past it just doesn’t show. Once you get the hang of descriptive prose and dialogue, it’ll be very easy to show character development. Up until now, she just seems to have a very neutral, or what l like to call, beige personality—it’s nice and all, but it hasn't reached its full potential.

Also, I noticed some grammatical errors. Make sure to read thoroughly before publishing!

Storyline:
I don’t know where the story is headed, so I can’t really give my opinion on it.

Originality:
It’s a little cliche. I hope you put your own spin to it soon.

Personal nitpicks:
I’ll list them.

- I don’t think that an author’s note in the middle of the story is necessary. It breaks the flow of the reading.

- Write the numbers, especially when speaking about age. Instead of saying “she was 1,” say “she was one year old.”
You write the actual number when it has more than two words or when the character is looking at it—i.e. “$10,065 read the number in her bank account,” or “they were 1,290 miles away.”

- The ellipsis (…). Never use more than three dots.

- Make your story as realistic as possible. I don’t think exclusive orphanages are a thing.

- Make sure to write paragraphs. When all the sentences are all separate, the writing feels choppy and hard to read.

- “Sensei” is teacher in Japanese. I think that should be changed unless you did it on purpose. If you did do it on purpose, make sure to make that clear in the story, maybe through a little dialogue. “Why did you call me sensei? We’re not Japanese…” “Oh, it just felt right.” Maybe something like that?

And that’s it. I hope my review helps you!

Thank you for requesting here!