Jin's Review Shop

Review: Heartless

Reviewer: Ash or twilight_5bte

Review for: bristyyunmin

Heartless is a BTS fanfiction with Jimin as the protagonist. The reader is an evil gangster who is forced to be in a relationship with a rich CEO who happens to be Jimin. He's a flirtatious guy who has awful intentions against the reader.

I was supposed to read 4 or 5 chapters to make the review, but only 3 chapters were published (excluding the intro). I'd like to point out each factor:

PLOT
About the plot, It is indeed a good one. But the way of writing kind of destroys the quality of the plot. I read that you are a rookie author and English isn't your first language. Even though, the emotions experienced by the characters were not clear from your writing style.

Most of your chapters were comprised of dialogues, that it forgets to explain the feelings expressed by the characters. It turns out to be more like a script for a play rather than a story. Readers may often find it difficult to understand the ideas conveyed by the author.

The same goes for the feelings imparted by the characters. Without proper explanation, the readers may be confused about the plot. I know that you are trying to express the feelings you imagined, but it doesn't reach the readers without explanation.

I recommend you to reduce the usage of pictures in between the story unless it is to describe an emotion or scenario which can't be done through words. I found some nonessential pictures, mainly in chapter 2.

You need to have a major construction of the plot. Try to add descriptions of the place, situation, and emotions of the characters. Not just dialogues.

LANGUAGE
I totally understand the fact English is not your first language and I'm not trying to criticize you but just point out the mistakes for you to improve.
Unfortunately, I found countless spelling and grammatical errors throughout your story. I also found that you mixed the tenses that results a confusion among readers about the time of the happenings.

You always used simple language, but yet the words you used did satisfy me. Yes, you are explaining it the right way, but the sentence formation was a little weird. Like, you could've used other words just to simply pull along. But you did it more like, "Simple words put together in a complicated way". So I recommend you to increase your vocabulary. And reading is the best medicine for that. Try reading a lot more books than you are now.

And another thing I'd like to point out is that in the intro of your book you wrote the name of the reader's brother as "Min Choi-ki". "Min" and Choi" are 2 different last names used by Koreans. So, the possibility of the name you created is 0. And later in the following chapter, I found that you used "Min ki" to address him. So I guess you meant the name to be "Choi Min ki" instead. (English form "Min ki Choi")

Please avoid using Korean romanized words if you're not sure about the meanings. In chapter 3, you wrote "Mianhae hajiman" and explained the meaning as "I'm sorry". But that's not the right meaning.

For "I'm sorry" you can use the romanizations like,
1. Mian or Jeosong (between friends)
2. Mianhae or Jeosonghae (informal)
3.Mianhaeyo or Jeosonghaeyo (formal)
4.Mianhamnida or Jeosonghamnida (strictly formal)

In the word you used, "Hajiman" means "but" or "while". So, it's slightly different from what you meant. I really recommend you edit your book in the editing shop provided by the BTS ARMY Community. Or you can proof-read it yourself if you're confident enough.

OTHERS
The title and the cover remarkably blends with the story. The cover really brings out the mood of the book. It will be good if you edit the blurb as it is the keymap to a new adventure.

You might not be able to edit it now but eventually, as the story progresses, you will be able to change it to a more interesting one (as per the plotline).

To wind up, the plot you have in your mind is a really good one, but you have make more descriptive when it comes to writing so that it reaches the readers with the same intensity of emotions as in your mind.

Try increasing your vocabulary. Please don't forget to proof-read your chapters before publishing it and consider editing your story as I said earlier. Good luck with your work!

Thank you for requesting here!