I don't really know how to talk to a baby. So I've been telling him all the stories about his momma while he sucks on the chain around my neck.
"Momma loved sunflowers, even though I'm allergic to them. That's why there's a whole row of them lining the house. She loved the color blue, she would have died over the color of your eyes bubbie. So bright and deep."
Once I realized what I've said, my heart breaks all over again. I take Blake and put him in his crib giving him a stuffed animal to play with. I crawl into bed and hug the pillow she used to lay on, letting myself go. It used to smell so strongly of her, and now...
I wake up to my phone ringing. I just wanna be left alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
I look at the caller ID, it's my mom.
"Hello." I sigh out.
"Hey sweetie, it's Avery."
"Oh, hi... look I'm kind of busy at the moment, is there something you need?" I blatantly lie.
"Just wanted to check up on you and Blake, see if you guys needed anything. Your mom and I would love to come see you and little man." I can practically hear her smiling through the phone. It's sweet, but her happiness makes me want to puke.
"We're fine." I say. Bubbie, is obviously good. But I'm not okay.
I can hear her sigh, "Are you eating?"
"Yes." No.
"Taking your medicine?"
"Yes." That one is true.
"Have you gone back to working?"
That one I can be honest about, "No... just haven't had inspiration. I'm not exactly happy A... I miss Layla so fucking much." I confess, my voice cracking at the mention of her name.
"Your mom and I are coming over."
"No you don't need to-" I start before hearing the line go dead. Fuck. I'm not ready to be near other people. I toss my phone back onto the bed. I contemplate just going back to sleep, but I haven't heard a peep from Blake. I should go check on little man.
I peek into his crib. God, he even sleeps the same way Layla did. Laying on his stomach, with his arms tucked tightly to his body, one leg hiked up... Layla only slept like that if I wasn't in bed with her.
I hear a knock at the door and make my way to open it. Am I wearing the same sweats I've been in for the past 3 days? Yes. Do I give a flying fuck? Nope.
I swing the door open and my mom immediately wraps me in a hug. Last I saw her was at Layla's funeral, which I promptly left as soon as it was over. I didn't want to talk to anyone then and I don't really want to talk to anyone now.
My mom lets me go and makes her way to my kitchen. "Mom you don't need to fix food, I'm fine!" I say genuinely not having an appetite.
Avery placed her hand on my shoulder, "Just let her sweetie, she's been missing you... She won't tell you this, but she knows you blame yourself for a lot of past things that you had no control over. Let her take care of you Hayden..."
I roll my eyes and sigh, "Alright, fine."
"Now can you introduce us to little man?" she asks with an eager smile.
I turn on my heel and head to his nursery, "Let me see if he's awake." I peek in and see him playing with his feet, the moment he sees me he smiles and gives me a giggle.
"Look at that smile bubbie." I say picking him up and wiping some drool from his lip. "Today is the day you get to meet grammy and Ave, they're so excited to meet you bubbie." I whisper in his ear as I carry him through the house. I know he has no idea what I'm saying but this boy NEEDS to know how many people love him.
I hand Blake to Avery and she sits on the couch doting over him while I go to the kitchen.
"Mom what are you doing here? You don't have to fix anything for me, I'm fine." I say packing up the ingredients she's pulled out of my cabinets.
"Dammit Hayden! I'm trying here!" she says slamming her fist down on the counter making me jump a little. She lets out a sigh, "I'm sorry... I just- I know I wasn't attentive to you like I should have been when you were a kid, but believe me Hayden I want to be a part of yours and Blake's life. Let me spoil you two." she finishes tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
I brace my hands on the counter and hesitate to answer. "I swear, if you fucking break that little boy's heart... I'll cut you off worse than I did when Parker died. You have no idea how many years I went blaming myself for my sisters death... I'm blaming myself so much worse for Layla's. If i hadn't agreed to try the third time, if I had paid more attention to her, if I..."
My mom wraps her arms around me as I collapse to the floor in a heap of tears, "Sweetie you had no idea she was going to have a heart attack... there's nothing you could have possibly done to stop that." she says consoling me.
She sits there rocking me back and forth until I calm down. "Can you make that cauliflower soup that I love?" I mumble out.
My mom chuckles and reaches up feeling the counter overhead and brings it back down showing me that she had already gotten the cauliflower out. "I was already on it baby girl..." she says kissing the top of my head."
I get up off of the floor, leaving my mom to do her thing. I peek in the living room and see Blake giggling away at the goofy faces Avery is making.
Seeing him happy warms my heart. My cold, broken heart is being fixed by a 3 month old child.
a/n: I literally left myself speechless... 😬
