I've been at the piano for hours... I hadn't realized I'd played all through the night until I saw the suns rays peek through the blinds. I actually recorded a full ass song sample... I decide to send it to my brother.
B
-file.wav_lbig-
-give this a listen, and tell me what you think-
I wasn't expecting him to be awake this early, but a few minutes later he replies.
Brudder
-I'm honestly speechless right now...-
-this is really good and it's good to know you're singing again. I've missed your voice.-
B
-thanks bro. Just not sure where go with it now...-
Brudder
-well you're an artist, you're still entitled to use your name. Just copyright and release it. It's worthy of attention Bil."
He's right. I grab my laptop and open up all of my socials. It's time to make some changes... starting with my name. Billie Eilish. I don't wanna be you anymore. Billie. Plain and simple... I just wanna be me. I make a few more changes and die hard fans notice them.
I do a quick copyright on the track, and set it free. Time to see what I'm really made of...
~~~~
*Hayden's POV*
Bubbie is hitting milestones like crazy. If I'm sitting down with him, his favorite thing to do is to grab my fingers and pull himself up so he's standing. We're not quite at the walking stage yet... but at the rate he's growing, it won't be long.
I've discovered he loves mashed peas, hates blueberries, and absolutely will never turn down bananas. Pretty sure he rip out some of my hair just to get to a banana.
Today my mom is wanting to spend the day with Blake, and she wants me to go to my studio. I haven't been there since before Blake was born...
I buckle bubbie into his car seat making sure he's safe and snug. I slide into the drivers seat and look back to see him trying to gnaw on one of his toys. So precious.
~~~~
"Alright diapers and wipes are in the left pocket, change of clothes in the right pocket, and I packed an insulated lunchbox with his favorite foods-" I ramble on and on but my mom cuts me off.
"Hayden!"
"I- what..."
"Sweetie, I gave birth to not only one, but two babies... I'm pretty sure I can handle this little guy." she says with a smirk and I jokingly roll my eyes.
"Yeah yeah ok... I get it. Call me if you need ANYTHING at all." I say handing him over to my mom. I don't know how I turned around and walked away from my kid. It didn't feel right going anywhere without him, I had gotten so used to constantly being with him.
I sat in my studio staring at a blank canvas for a good thirty minutes before picking up a wide bristle brush and swiping a stripe of black paint across the vast sea of white. My brush strokes have a familiarity to them, the curves and the jagged edges.
Once I'm satisfied, I take a step back and see what I've done.
Oh no.
I'm back.
Your son looks nice in my teeth.
I wonder how he tastes.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Did I take my medication this morning? I check the log on my phone. 9 am meds - ✅ ok that's good. Maybe... why isn't it working. Ugh!
I can't let anyone see this. I need to burn it. I use my foot to leverage the wooden frame into breaking. I toss the pieces into a metal bin, dousing it in paint thinner before lighting a match and watching it go up in flames.
I don't actually want to hurt my son. Do I?
No he's too precious.
I can't let myself lose control.
I should probably call my therapist. I pull out my phone and press his contact.
"Hello Hayden. How can I help you today?" Dr. Mattis wastes no time on getting to the point, because I rarely ever call him.
"I uh, I took my medication this morning like I always do, but it's not working as well as it should. I went to the studio today and painted something... disturbing to say the least. I'm worried I'll snap and hurt someone." I spit my words out quickly.
"Hmm well if I recall correctly, you went through some trauma in losing your wife, and now you have a son. That's a lot to process in such a short period of time." he states calmly.
"Right.." I reply.
If Layla were here she'd hold me, or rub my arm or some shit while telling me to focus on her voice.
I miss her voice.
"Go ahead and up your dose to twice daily, and let me know how that does." he suggests.
"Will do." I say before hanging up and putting the fire out. I sigh as I leave the studio. This better work.
a/n: last update for the night... my power went out. So I'm probably just gonna sleep through it. 🤷🏼♀️
I love you bubbies 💕 take care of yourselves.
